So I’m back up to square one again… Making the most out of what I got to get where I need to be, but with a little bit of guidance.
I used to think responsibility in life was based on who you put the most into… Whether it was your family, spouse or children.
Now I got family, but the latter of the 2 I’ve always strived for, but they became lost in the mix of my lifestyle and path.
Basically, you can’t mix responsibility with a free-spirit and that’s what I am…
But now I got My Goals, My Aspirations & My Life all in focus for the first time ever because I was inspired for a brief moment by what I’ll just call an ANGEL.
Now don’t get it twisted I’m a spiritual person and believe in God, but naturally I’m not one to be guided my him or his messages on a day to day.
This “ANGEL” came and went, but left me with a powerful message… And that is; even ANGELS are human.
Being mindful of this and knowing now that I’m no ANGEL myself, I’m going through the motions and trying to bring myself back to a time when all I saw was aspirations and goals in my life.
Where I lived not to just be happy, but to strive for what is right and what I know I’m here for. Basically,that notion of empowerment my family tried to beat into my head on a daily basis since I can remember!
But growing up what I only saw was how crazy it was to see how many people look towards ME to be the figure head of “strength” and “leadership” when I didn’t even have the heart to breath sometimes…
It’s like people expect so much from you, but you only know that what you’re giving them isn’t even your 100%…It’s like to me, I’ve put so much out there that I can potentially do, but haven’t done it. I let myself down more then anyone has ever let me down or I’ve let them down.
Meaning… If I had just put a small piece of my mind behind somethings, I would have gotten a lot more done… And now I’m doing that and that’s what put me in the position I’m in now in such a short period of time…
And that ANGEL… Yeah the ANGEL, taught me a valuable lesson that I think we can all learn from and that is ===> Sometimes… We don’t know what’s good for us and we refuse to listen and when things seem to be going downhill, we turn to the wrong things that seem right because that’s what makes us feel safe, needed, secure…
I feel like I’ve been in that state of mind for so long and once I saw it in someone else I got faded… I took a look back in time again and said, was that worth it to me?
I put it all aside and said, “H… What are you doing?”
My free spirit lost it’s wings and Karma, the Devil or whatever smacked me back to reality.
Why chase something when what you really need has been right in front of you for so long? Why bother if it’s not what’s right at the moment? Why pretend to be care when you really don’t give a fuck? Why be an open book, when someone gets too fed up to go to the next chapter?
So random are the questions I have in my head and sometimes they blurs my good nature and judgment.
So now I begin to focus and take the bad and make it good… Like my man Alex said to me the other day, “When life hands you lemons, you don’t make sweet love to those lemons, cause lemons don’t like it slow. They like it hard & dirty. So FUCK EM!!!”
He’s right, “FUCK EM!”
And then again some people would probably say, “it’s easier said than done…” which is true, but when you continue to live a lie does it really matter what’s said? And shit ain’t definitely getting done when it ain’t out in the open… So why down play the notion of hope and progression & why make the effort if it ain’t sincere?
See Alex… I’m fuckin these LEMONS up…
So I’m so back on my “I DO WHAT I WANT, YOU DO WHAT YOU CAN” tip.
It makes me a more interesting person, I’m more sincere, more like the H Dollar that got niggas on TV, that made a living off of being charming, that found it in himself to let go of the people that made it hard for him to BREATH…
THIS IS A MONUMENTIOUS occasion and I’m just here to do right by the people who matter the most!
I finally grew up and made the decision that’s been haunting me for ages… The decision to plant myself somewhere. Not to settle, but to finally have something that will motivate me to do more for myself in the long run.
The decision was sudden and made me feel good in some aspects… In others I was down… It’s like you see yourself doing a number of things, but at the end of the day those things don’t really fit into the dreams of grandeur you have. They don’t fit into where you want to be in life…
I WANT IT ALL… And I’m on the fast track to taking it… Was 5 years behind and now I’ve caught up in less then a year and besides a bump in the road recently… I see me doing it sooner than ever and it feels good.
“I’ve matured a lot from a year ago and I share my good news; they thought it was hysterical, but I can’t wait for y’all to get here… I’ma cherish you! I’m here to do everything RIGHT BY YOU. That’s why I’m going hard! DAY & NIGHT like I DO!”
See niggas… “I’m saving for the CROWN, while you scrabble and ask for some money to buy another HAT…”
I’ll read this and listen to the mood music in a year and be like, “Dude… WE did it… We FUCKED THOSE LEMONS and won…”
If you’re with me just holla and if you ain’t maybe it just isn’t your time yet, but I know one thing for sure…
“WHILE THEY DOUBT AND THROW SALT, I’M STILL CHASING MY DREAMS. I GOT GREAT SET OF TEETH… THEY WERE MADE THE THE SCREEN! NOTHING IN MY PAST I’M ASHAMED OF I’M ME. CAN I SAY THIS IS MY LIFE AND I WOULDN’T CHANGE A THING!?!?!”
H Diddy Blogger… Out
“I am proud to be the man that I am/No, I ain’t perfect, but I got a good heart and I recognize my purpose/ I deserve this/ The WordSmith from right up out the churches/ Let the world judge me and write about the verdict… You need that heartfelt/ I’ll come to your service/ So much more to me than what you see up on the surface/ A HEATHEN because I’m weak, but I desire to be more earnest…” – Nickelus F