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Archive for July 27th, 2009

Disclaimer: I’m writing specifically for someone who I kinda feel is like a big deal. This one isn’t to really entertain or teach or preach or to spill my guts about an issue or to poke fun at something… It’s just some real heartfelt words for someone who means a lot to me and who has inspired me to do better. So you may not get what I’m talking about if you choose to read on, but enjoy it and maybe you all can pick something from it that you can possibly relate to.

summer&winterAs summer starts to heat up so does our spirits and minds. We start to think about being active rather than reactive like we are in the winter. You know what I’m saying?

In the summer we’re out and about with things to do (ACTIVE)… While in the winter we’re shut in looking for something to do that will hold our attention and captivate us long enough to make it to the sunny days that come with the changing of a season (REACTIVE).

People that come into our lives are like that sometimes too… And I think my Muse is no different… See people take the chance to let people into their worlds they feel they can trust or look to for support, guidance or just a kind word now & then and that’s what happened with us. We came into each others lives with that in mind, but somewhere the lines got blurred because we never really knew each other well enough to let each other  in as much as we did and to be honest it kinda fucked things up.

dream_catcherI don’t regret anything I’ve said or done because to be real the only reason my Muse doesn’t have  a place for me in her life now is because I’ll be the first person to tell her that she doesn’t have to do what she’s doing and to keep believing she can go through and accomplish her dreams…

Yeah… I’m a big believer in going after your dreams and what you believe in, which is the hype that kinda captivated me into digging this girl so much in the first place cause she was all bout it bout it when we first started talking, but I guess the pressures of the life around her set the stage for what eventually happened to our friendship…

Text_MessagingBut then again, I can’t front; we clashed on so much because of the way we communicated. Drumming up an issue to a person like me through an IM, a text or an email is like wanting a war of words you can’t win because I just don’t give into a jab and now realizing where this has went, maybe she wasn’t that serious in her “talk” as i figured and a lot of the jabs from my end were superficial… Or like she says, ” I misconstrued” what she was trying to say… All I can say to that is, how can I misconstrue something when it’s so clearly stated in bold letters?

Think about it…

Well too little, too late for me… I’ve been cast off by my Muse… She told me that I’m too “negative” and I cramp her style now…  Which naturally blew me away and hurt since I can think back and recall her saying I was blip of positive light in her life at some point, but that was before “reality set in” I guess and we all know what  reality is when you let it “set in?”

It’s when we become content with what we have to deal with because of  life changing circumstances… It’s not necessarily what you want or what will make you ultimately happy, but when you have the “grin and bear it” philosophy in your head you’re gonna have to “roll with the punches” and get continually beaten down by those punches in the process… You can either fight it or smile and take it and try to live with the decision you’ve made to SETTLE for what you think is the only thing left for you.

I guess to smile and take it takes STRENGTH to do and is commendable and is something I respect. After all LIFE is what we make of it at the end of the day? But don’t take the piss out on me because I still believe in all the aspirations and dreams you had or rather “have.” I just tried to keep my mouth shut before because you react rather than relate and try to understand…

I mean you tell me one day that the sky’s the limit then a couple of months down the line it’s content with… A new path… New people… A new outlook that kinda left people like myself out to dry and I thought  that would never happen because of our connection. But I guess a strong bond mentally is only as strong as it’s weakest link and when you’re not vibing with me, the small things we have in common, like music, or favorite color (Green), Nina Sky…  and dreams, seem to not mean as much when you decided to replace them with a whole new mentality.

museAll I can say is a sincere FUCK YOU! for your reaction and not take it back… I may have lost my Muse in the physical, but she’ll always inspire me to be positive and do right. I can say maybe, just maybe she’s given up on a not so clear dream she once had, but I’ll let her know this now… That dream is still in me and I’ll make sure it will come true whether you decide to accept it or not.

As retarded as this whole thing may seem, it’s how I feel… You wonder why I’m so open and engaging with people… It’s because when I bottled in my feelings I was a shell of the person who captivated you 7 months ago… And what’s sad is, you’ve kinda went backwards on me and slowly, but surely shut me out…

The void you’ve left for me creatively is going to be hard to fill because no one ever has inspire me like you have. You pretty much built this “blog”  because of the things we’ve talked about or experienced has been in every bit of writing I’ve had since I met you. You’re truly MY MUSE and I’ll never forget what that means to me going forward.

I can say fuck it all and not keep a place for you in my heart, but I won’t because like I expressed a long time ago… My friends are like family to me and no matter how negative you think I am or how much you feel I’ve tried to pick at you or argue with you, it was all meant with good intention and I think you know that because if you think back on every fight. You only “won” because I gave in, but I’m not gonna ever let someone write me off for something I’m not and that’s how we ended up here…

You choose to take it for what you want it to be in your head, but one day I hope you realize that this dream we shared is easy enough to achieve if you have the heart to do it again. I’m in and will always be, I’m building and growing and expanding. I wrote that Dear Summer blog with you in mind because I saw this coming awhile ago…

Now it is what it is and this is not closure, but a break from a friendship that had too much going on in it so soon, with too much distance to actually piece things back together before it was too late so we had to peace it out…

H Diddy Blogger… Out

…:::MOOD MUSIC:::…

D/L: ===> Joe Budden – Whatever It Takes

This sets the mood cause I don’t like Joe Budden, but this song kinda always made me feel like there is a way when you see how fucked up it really can be… He puts it down clearly, openly, honestly and most of all is real with his words. This song is what makes me not want to be what my Muse thinks I am. This song is what makes me want to put it on paper and say fuck it. The best artists are the ones who draw from personal experiences with honesty and articulate it to through their art. You’re favorite artist does that (Ryan Leslie) and I can tell that he’s speaking directly too you sometimes and he does the same to me since I got put on I’ve been open…

“Fuck the World, fuck my moms and my girl!/ Well, maybe not mom, jus’ lemme’ remain calm./ This too won’t last, this too shall pass/ At least that’s what I say y’all, that’s what I pray for/ ‘An’ I’m the only thing that’s standin’ in my way y’all/ But I gotta be with me, it’s no escape y’all…/ I guess depression REALITY just stepped in, an’ took-over shit like it’s known ta’ do…” -Joe Budden

…:::MOOD MUSIC DAILY DOUBLE:::…

D/L: ===> Ryan Leslie – I-R-I-N-A

“Sometimes words they just get in the away-Ryan Leslie

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alex_karras“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more ‘manhood’ to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.” -Alex Karras

Alex Karras AKA George Papadapolis was a former NFL star and more notably the adopted father of everyone’s favorite little guy Webster on TV. I really don’t know much about him otherwise, but that he made one of the best quotes I’ve ever heard in my life…

If you think about the words he said above and look in yourself to see what you are then you’ll learn a lot about yourself.

insecurity“It takes courage to reveal insecurities” I’m the type of person who gets people so open that they reveal a lot to me because I’m so open about myself to them. I’m not ashamed to admit I’m insecure about myself, but I’m confident enough to admit my insecurities, my faults and of course my opinion. That’s what makes ME, ME and it does take more strength to relate to people than to dominate them.” It’s true… No point in dominating someone if you can’t relate to them. Most people with this type of personality think they’re awesome and walk around thinking they’re great and everything is great in their own heads, but the reality is you’re just as funny style as the people they dominate. If you don’t play along with them they “react” rather than try to “relate” and conflict occurs.  Think of it this way, if you’re the dickhead always dictating the way things should go and people just do it to appease you, then you’re not making anyone happy, but yourself and people with that “self-serving” attitude don’t have much of a backbone at all because the thing in them that makes them act like that is what we call “insecurities” and we all have them, but when you repress your insecurities you tend to try to be over-bearing and dominant for the wrong reasons…

blind“More ‘manhood’ to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex.” This is a statement that is cause for debate with me because the context of it is vague… A “thought-out principles” can be our own way of thinking that is rational and planned, while a “blind reflex” can be interpreted as old thinking that you just roll with and feel is common place, like blindly following religious faith when you don’t actually believe in it. People base their principles on various ideals and influences, that sort of make them blindly follow a certain path. It’s your classic “blind leading the blind” syndrome. You go through life only following what the person ahead of you knows and that becomes your path in life… That person may have had a good life, but that’s not your life at all at the end of the day. Following blindly, to me, is not only stupid, but doesn’t show strength at all. To be one with yourself you have to set goals and aspirations that you feel will ultimately make you happy and that is a sign of strength… All I’m saying is to not doubt yourself or what you’re capable of. If you feel in your heart and mind that you can do it, it will get it done and there’s no need to follow blindly down a path you may have not wanted!

Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.” I’m the type to brush it off my shoulder most of the time. Yeah I get frustrated… Yeah I’ve been down and out… Yeah I’ve gone through the wash, but I don’t let to take a toll out on my soul… As much as I may complain or nag about my issues or my insecurities there’s always one constant that keeps me from giving in to all the shit and that’s  my  spirit… Naysayers and people with negative perspectives have always tried to hinder my ultimate goal, which is to become something you haven’t become, so I strive to  I constantly try to out do what hasn’t been done… You can have all the muscle of a power lifter, but when you can’t react maturely to a situation , where does that leave you later on in life? Do you have the balls to face the challenges of the real world or do you just run, hide and conform to the shit you’re already found yourself mired in?

real-world-logoMe?  Never… The real world isn’t a challenge to me. I’ve been tested out here and I’ve passed and I’m not content with it. Reaching my dreams and aspirations is the only challenge I have left. I hate to bring it back to my passion for more, but that’s where it all leads. If you’re contention with comfortable living (which has become the downfall of this economy and society) then, to me, you’re not someone I can really fuck with as I rise up. If you feel that your 401K, annuity and trust fund is your future, I feel bad for you because that shit is just like you’re saving up to die and ultimately you’re on the fast track to mediocrity…

I can’t live like that, I want to live laugh, love and attain all the fruits of my labor and share it with my people…

Call me crazy, but  George Papadapolis made a very great point in his words. ===>  It takes “strength” and a very unique person to actually deal with it all and come out on top on their own terms. I’d like to consider myself one of those people. What about you?

-H Diddy Blogger… Out

P.S.: excuse me if I got a little too philosophical, but this was a daam good quote 😉

…:::MOOD MUSIC:::…

“See I kill it and deliver, but I feel I’m so far from my prime that I feel like I’m a beginner/ But I’m so far from the worst that I feel like I’m the BEST/ So many people falling off; I feel like I’m what’s NEXT/ I feel that when I get there; the public will ACCEPT/ I feel like when I get there; the other will get VEXED/ So I keep a platform up under me & I spit the TRUTH and I ain’t hating on tobacco companies…” -Nickelus F

D/L: ===> Nickelus F – The People Say (Produced by M.Rell)

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