This was written on July 28th, 2011 a few weeks after the passing of my Father (Hugh N. Mulzac Jr.). I kind of didn’t have the time or energy to bring myself around to finishing my thoughts on this topic because you have to pick the right words to say when you’re questioning things like Faith, Belief Systems, God, Jesus, etc… People are so passionate about these things and so am I. My passion though, lies within my questions about it because I truly want everyone to be on the same page. To believe in something… To believe in themselves enough to know that as an individual we hold the keys to what Truth is all about and our perception of it is what will make or break us in the end.
I’ve kind of closed myself off from a lot of the “social” life I once embraced so much because of thoughts of me needing to “change” and possibly take on a new way of thinking… A new way of leading my life.
I can’t lie. It’s been a turbulent struggle for me because I wasn’t necessarily unhappy or happy with the way I was living, but I now feel more or less confused about it more than anything, especially with the current path I have chosen. And it’s not “totally” because of the path I’ve chosen, but because I choose to follow it in my own way and in turn still criticize the people that have helped lead me down this path. I feel this way because my criticism comes from an undeniable belief in the notion of “Right V. Wrong” and “Perceived Truth V. Absolute Truth” that I continue to struggle with. So I’ve decided to creatively express how I feel in my blog before go coo-coo trying to figure it out without a proper outline.
Right V. Wrong…
Under my current belief system (A follower of Jesus) we’re suppose to do right, but not right enough to overshadow the powers that be because no one can do more right then Jesus or you’re on a sure path the HELL. So in essence if we try to emulate “ultimate righteousness” on earth then we’re technically living in sin, but if we do sin and believe that the powers that be will save us from that sin (Jesus) then we’re on the right path regardless of what sins we commit in life. Whether it’s a guy who kills a bunch of children in Norway or a bunch of guys burning crosses and hanging people in the name of Jesus; they’re all going to be saved because those sins they just committed are all “right” as long as Jesus comes first in their life.
On the flip side of things… Let me reference a man who to me did nothing, but good in his life, but didn’t particular care about whether Jesus existed or not… My father (Had to do it 😉 ). He passed away a few weeks ago and I guess there’s a time to grieve that’s kind of over for me, but there’s a time to reflect that got me thinking. He never once forced a particular ideology on my sister and I and even let our mother raise us in a religious home (100% Catholic! Born & Baptized!) and later on in life didn’t care if we worshiped God or turnips, just as long as we did good by him and mom, he was happy. Which we did do and he was happy till I started to question some of this free thinking attitude I was raised on. Things started to be a little sketchy for him because I did this on my own… Will actually a little guidance from a few people who I felt were misguided in life at the times, but they made sense to me because I felt and understood some of their trials and tribulations. The only difference for me was rather then turn away from those things they wanted to run away from, I embraced them. Long story short what I was hearing was good and it seems to be working for me. And as I contemplated things for months… I felt what happened with my father was the ultimate test of my FAITH.
Do I still believe in Jesus if it means that my father is going to HELL because he didn’t give a fuck about Jesus in real time?
BLOODY HARD & CONFUSING SHIT TO TAKE IN. Don’t you think?
It might sound crazy, but I do still believe. God… Jesus… Satan… Allah… Aliens… Or whoever didn’t take my father away from the earth. It was just his time. We don’t live forever in the physical, but our energy lives on through eternity. No matter what we BELIEVE. And when the question was proposed by me to the person who impacted my decision to change my path the most on if my father was on his way to HELL all she could say is, “I’ll pray for him… I’m sure he’s in heaven…”
I can’t say she phrased it exactly like I have it written out, but her praying for him and hoping he’s in Heaven isn’t what exactly get’s him there. SO I bring back this “Good-O-Meter” YouTube video. Which is sort of a satirical view of what would happen to someone like my father once they hit the lime light (Heaven’s Gates).
To me depictions of faith like that video are blasphemy because they justify the wrongs we’ve done and makes it seem like it’s as simple as saying you just believe it and you get to Heaven… The fact of the matter is it doesn’t really bother me that my father “might be in Hell” because then that just shows there’s flaws in faith as there are in life and again proving that not even God or the Son of God (Jesus) is perfect in all their decisions they’ve made (My bit of blasphemy for the day).
Or is it we have interpreted it wrong ourselves?
I can’t say it’s so farfetched or it’s bullshit from my perspective because I’ve come to the conclusion that the “Right V. Wrong” debate is more about “Perceived Truth V. Absolute Truth” because God and His Son Jesus are perfect… Well that’s what I Perceive as Truth so it must be True…
Perceived Truth V. Absolute Truth…
See God gave us something called “Freewill.” Our freewill comes with the right we have to perceive things the way we want to, rather then the way they actually are. For instance… If people who believe in Jesus were right all along and their way of thinking is the ABSOLUTE TRUTH then that means my father is in Hell right now eating Deviled eggs with Hitler and Jack The Ripper. But PERCEIVED TRUTH gives even a believer is Jesus freewill, to justify my father going to Heaven because they’re praying for him, even though he more than likely won’t pass the Good-O-Meter test in absolute terms should rightfully be in Hell.
Will a good follower of Jesus ever admit it though?
Some will and some won’t. The ones who have their own brains probably will not even answer the question out of fear of repercussions or because they are not bold enough to answer such questions… While the ones who are taken in by what their faith means to them ultimately will probably say he’s doomed for eternity. 😦 Which makes Perceived Truth not such a bad thing, but to a thinking man/woman can be seen as the core root to the World’s biggest problems.
No one is willing to just be REAL with themselves. Everyone is trying to fit a standard or a mold that makes them look better in the eyes of God or someone else. When in actuality it’s more of a self satisfying agenda that we are blind to because it’s hidden behind the curtain some sort of pursuit of happiness.
Let’s put it like this. Everyone I know is in the “Pursuit Of Happiness” through 3 lanes
3. Fame (Popularity)
I can’t deny that I’ve tasted all 3 things and all of them seem to leave a bitter flavor in my mouth because they all seem to lead me to a more and more confusing set of ideologies that’s not based on the premise of “Happiness” or some sort of “Salvation,” but based on the premise of denial in the fact that I’ll never truly be “Happy” even when I achieve milestones in anyone of these areas because to me there’s always the notion of wanting more. “I want to make more money to get more shit.” “I want to do more to prove my faith to show that I love God.” “I want to get more people follow my lead to show that I’m the best at what I do.”
After my experience will all of these 3 things I’ve decided to call them the “D’Evils” in life. The “Dominant Evils” that ultimately will be the demise of our society as we know it. See, our Perceived Truths have lead us down a road that steadily gives us more justification to keep sinning and we’re oblivious to it because we’re caught up in ourselves and a way of life that people have predetermined for us through false education and manipulation of words.
Here’s my breakdown on things… Our brains compute information on a daily basis that makes Perceived Thinking possible. For example, I have a little sequence of numbers that hits me on a day to day basis that goes “111.” It has a symbolic spiritual meaning of someone being blessed if they see these numbers in any sequence of “111” or “1111.” Now 111 seems to follow me everywhere, but the first few times I caught it, it hit me as being more random and made it more of a “Faith-Drive” occurrence to me. Like in my condo, the unit across from the gym room I go to everyday is “111.” But as it became more common place, my friend would text me at 1:11am/pm and then as that faded away my brain became trained in just noticing “111” when it was 1:11 or 11:11 on a clock. I see it less and less in a random state, but more in a continues cycle that my brain has trained itself to notice. The same can be said about things like prayer.
If I pray that my world doesn’t end tomorrow every night, does the day I die mean that God let me down?
People pray for things everyday like the 3 D’Evils and of course, sometimes they get them and sometimes they don’t, but as people become more entranced with the notion of “Perceived Thinking” as an “Absolute Truth” those lines get blurred and simple coincidence all of a sudden becomes evidence of some type of truth to us. Like people who pray for everything. The more you pray the more things start to coincide in your life to that prayer. In reality it’s not because of your prayers coming true, but because of the actions you take that make those things come to life that makes prayer work. I look at prayer as a weakness sometimes. It kind of shows that we’re weak willed in ourselves and need some kind of crutch. I already know to look to God for what I “need” in this world, but the rest of it is really on me when I look forward to things I “want” in this world… I will admit though… I have been praying for one thing and it’s really something I feel only God can make happen. It’ll take one part of me sometime in the future to make it happen, but for now all I have is God in my corner on this. I guess I’m a little weak for that or even a hypocrite for going this route, but I have the option to do so because I feel it in my heart and soul.
Basically, I’ve grown to just believe that what we all know to be truth is all on us. I may be crazy for saying this, but I don’t believe in sin. If Jesus died for our sins and we’re forgiven for them when we die, what is sin in this world to people who believe in him?
We’re all knocking on Heavens door if we believe what man has made us think is truth about faith in Jesus, but in reality it’s all about just being good and wanting to do good. That’s all I want to do in this world while I’m here. God is a big part of that to me, but the gifts he’s given me to do it with are an even bigger part beyond my beliefs. And I know what most of you are saying right now… “How can you strongly believe in what you believe in and question it so much?”
My answer to you is, how can you not question it? There’s billions of people who think otherwise in this world. What makes you think we call can’t be right in some way, shape or form? Think about it and just strive to do right. 🙂
Any hoots… 2000+ words later and it just feels great to know that the spirit of free-thinking my father left me with is still striving in me, even though he can potentially be burning in Hell right now, but I’m sure he’s not because someone is praying for him out there… At least that’s my perception on things. 😉
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