Posts Tagged ‘Faith’

Wrote this way back in December 2011 and made some small revisions. I think my head’s back into writing again. I’ve found my Muse again! 🙂


Off another long hiatus from writing, but with good reason. I’ve been on a spiritual journey/test for the past 6 months that’s been tying me down emotionally (yeah…) , mentally (too much time to thinking) & physically (no sleep). Last time we spoke I had conflicting views on my Faith and where I fit into the “Kingdom of God.” I have no doubt in my mind now that I’ve chosen the right path in that today, but the second part I also have no doubt about either and that’s where this latest entry comes from… A place called the “Psyche” where our inherit (true) feeling & traits are harvested.


The Pleasure Principle

Let’s start with a few definition so the more novice readers can follow along.

Id, ego and super-ego – are the three parts of the psychic apparatus defined in Sigmund Freud’s structural model of the psyche; they are the three theoretical constructs in terms of whose activity and interaction mental life is described.

The id – is the set of uncoordinated instinctual trends.

The ego – is the organized, realistic part

The super-ego – plays the critical and moralizing role

The things that we want…. The simple yet increasing difficult to attain things like Comfort, Sex, Shelter, Food… We always want them and we want them all the time. Which brings me to the Id…

The Id doesn’t learn…. It doesn’t grow up. It has the “ego” telling it what it can’t have and it has the “super-ego” telling it what it shouldn’t want, but the Id works solely out of the “Pleasure Principle.” It WANTS. Whatever social skills we’ve learned… However much we’ve evolved; the Pleasure Principle is at work in all of us.

So… How does this conflict wit the “ego” manifesting itself in the psyche? What do we do when we can’t have what we want?

I really don’t know. Faith has taught me to pray for things I want to work out for ME. While life has taught me that I only want things I can’t necessarily have. My ego has kept me in a constant struggle between what faith has to offer and reality. While the super-ego has sort of made the lines blurred even more…

If you think about the super-ego’s moralizing role in our lives and it’s battle with the Id, you’d understand where Faith seems to be the perfect solution to that mess. The Id only wants. The faith I’ve chosen only teaches us to want and repent when that want is immoral or unjust, but if you truly believe in the Faith it constantly forgives… Blurring the lines even more. Showing me that hope and prayer will give me what I want, when in reality I’m just demoralizing any rational thinking I once had while basing crucial life decisions on no more than a hope and dream.

So, yes in essence the Id can be more than just primal/instinctive needs. It can be the need to be a better person or to believe in something that’s larger than life that provides everything. Remember it’s the inherent instincts with in us that make up the Id. What those instincts are is based on the individual. Some of us don’t need sex or shelter or money… Some of us just need love or understanding or the feeling to be needed.. And that’s what Faith provides.

The Pleasure Principle takes everything the Id represents and makes it into what we yearn for.

Let’s take a Segway ride into EMOTION for a bit…

Sometimes I feel like I’m driven by my emotions. I put so much behind my emotions that it drives me to a point where I rationalize everything I do with them. Sometimes I’ll break into a cold sweat or tear up during normal conversation because something has struck me emotionally. My nature is to try and hold back the emotion, but my body language is screaming out-loud to have a heartfelt word in edgewise.

So where does this emotion I have drive me?

If I can’t be fulfilled emotionally I’m driven to a side of myself that encompasses everything the Pleasure Principle represents. It’s sort of how a vampire craves blood and violence. I basically do everything demoralizing and wrong to:

1. Prove the point that, “I could do it.”

2. To fulfill every urge I set aside for my emotions.

3. To somehow/someway show the world that I truly have never really given a fuck about anyone or anything in life.

Which in hindsight isn’t true, but what’s ill though is that I’ve learned over the past few months (through Faith) that there’s more to it then that bit of evil thrill. Even though Faith is sort of rooted in this “Pleasure Principle” discussion, it definitely has its strong points. For me, Faith has given me a little patients. If I can sit through a boring church service, read the Bible and seek meaning in prayer, then there’s more to it for me than justifying the Id through sin and repenting.

But, too much Faith can have the same adverse affect as steps 1,2 & 3 in the Pleasure Principle too. Where we think that what we want is the answer when it’s working for us at the moment. But that’s not reality… People’s interpretation of such things as “Faith” is driven by the teachers and the herd of people (sheep) they lead. The individual’s right to Knowledge Of Self is stripped away in this case and that individual is now subject to different ideologies that may or may not be right just because of their leaders and then they turn to the herd for justification. That’s definitely not what God intended… That’s definitely no life I want to lead… But personally I listen to learn and hope to eventually lead people in the right direction myself some day and let them make their own decisions in matters of Faith. But for now, I’m caught between two worlds of different understanding.

One side pulls me towards what I know… The “Fast Life.” The up all night, live the life that’s a party and pretty much not give a fuck about feelings & people, but only the moment. It’s one hell of a life if you can handle it… And I do it so well and honestly even with this new understanding, I can cope with and rationalize these actions because that’s what I know, even though it’s not inherently who I am.

The other side of me pulls me towards what I’m afraid of… The “Unknown.” The origins of life, love and my Faith… I question it as I embrace it. I doubt it, even though it leads me… I love it, even though it’s almost 180 degrees different than who I know myself to be… It confuses me, it drives me and it makes me coo coo bananas… But something or rather someone that came out of it has driven my Id into a certain direction… Yeah, yeah it’s very sheepish of me to be like this. It makes me think that maybe there’s more to it than the “Unknown” and that’s what keeps me level and willing to move ahead into the “Unknown.” I personally think it’s a love that is slowly growing into what seems to be an “Understanding” of sorts, but that’s whole other conversation… A whole other thing to write about.

This though is about the Pleasure Principle…. The WANTING… I’ve made a life based on WANTING… And frankly I think we all have in one way or another. We’ve got to just take a step back and stop thinking about what we want or what’s wrong with us and just deal for a change and move along the path God has set for us.

The reality of the situation is that when you have doubts… When you can’t see clearly… When you know something isn’t meant to be… Just think about the Pleasure Principle and how it relates. Once that’s done, you’ll never have a doubt in your mind about what WANT is.

…:::MOOD MUSIC:::…


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This was written on July 28th, 2011 a few weeks after the passing of my Father (Hugh N. Mulzac Jr.). I kind of didn’t have the time or energy to bring myself around to finishing my thoughts on this topic because you have to pick the right words to say when you’re questioning things like Faith, Belief Systems, God, Jesus, etc… People are so passionate about these things and so am I. My passion though, lies within my questions about it because I truly want everyone to be on the same page. To believe in something… To believe in themselves enough to know that as an individual we hold the keys to what Truth is all about and our perception of it is what will make or break us in the end.


I’ve kind of closed myself off from a lot of the “social” life I once embraced so much because of thoughts of me needing to “change” and possibly take on a new way of thinking… A new way of leading my life.

I can’t lie. It’s been a turbulent struggle for me because I wasn’t necessarily unhappy or happy with the way I was living, but I now feel more or less confused about it more than anything, especially with the current path I have chosen. And it’s not “totally” because of the path I’ve chosen, but because I choose to follow it in my own way and in turn still criticize the people that have helped lead me down this path. I feel this way because my criticism comes from an undeniable belief in the notion of “Right V. Wrong” and “Perceived Truth V. Absolute Truth” that I continue to struggle with.  So I’ve decided to creatively express how I feel in my blog before go coo-coo trying to figure it out without a proper outline.

Right V. Wrong…

Under my current belief system (A follower of Jesus) we’re suppose to do right, but not right enough to overshadow the powers that be because no one can do more right then Jesus or you’re on a sure path the HELL. So in essence if we try to emulate “ultimate righteousness” on earth then we’re technically living in sin, but if we do sin and believe that the powers that be will save us from that sin (Jesus) then we’re on the right path regardless of what sins we commit in life. Whether it’s a guy who kills a bunch of children in Norway or a bunch of guys burning crosses and hanging people in the name of Jesus; they’re all going to be saved because those sins they just committed are all “right” as long as Jesus comes first in their life.

On the flip side of things… Let me reference a man who to me did nothing, but good in his life, but didn’t particular care about whether Jesus existed or not… My father (Had to do it 😉 ). He passed away a few weeks ago and I guess there’s a time to grieve that’s kind of over for me, but there’s a time to reflect that got me thinking. He never once forced a particular ideology on my sister and I and even let our mother raise us in a religious home (100% Catholic! Born & Baptized!) and later on in life didn’t care if we worshiped God or turnips, just as long as we did good by him and mom, he was happy. Which we did do and he was happy till I started to question some of this free thinking attitude I was raised on. Things started to be a little sketchy for him because I did this on my own… Will actually a little guidance from a few people who I felt were misguided in life at the times, but they made sense to me because I felt and understood some of their trials and tribulations. The only difference for me was rather then turn away from those things they wanted to run away from, I embraced them. Long story short what I was hearing was good and it seems to be working for me. And as I contemplated things for months… I felt what happened with my father was the ultimate test of my FAITH.

Do I still believe in Jesus if it means that my father is going to HELL because he didn’t give a fuck about Jesus in real time?


It might sound crazy, but I do still believe. God… Jesus… Satan… Allah… Aliens…  Or whoever didn’t take my father away from the earth. It was just his time. We don’t live forever in the physical, but our energy lives on through eternity. No matter what we BELIEVE. And when the question was proposed by me to the person who impacted my decision to change my path the most on if my father was on his way to HELL all she could say is, “I’ll pray for him… I’m sure he’s in heaven…”

I can’t say she phrased it exactly like I have it written out, but her praying for him and hoping he’s in Heaven isn’t what exactly get’s him there. SO I bring back this “Good-O-Meter” YouTube video. Which is sort of a satirical view of what would happen to someone like my father once they hit the lime light (Heaven’s Gates).

To me depictions of faith like that video are blasphemy because they justify the wrongs we’ve done and makes it seem like it’s as simple as saying you just  believe it and you get to Heaven… The fact of the matter is it doesn’t really bother me that my father “might be in Hell” because then that just shows there’s flaws in faith as there are in life and again proving that not even God or the Son of God (Jesus) is perfect in all their decisions they’ve made (My bit of blasphemy for the day).

Or is it we have interpreted it wrong ourselves?

I can’t say it’s so farfetched or it’s bullshit from my perspective because I’ve come to the conclusion that the “Right V. Wrong” debate is more about  “Perceived Truth V. Absolute Truth” because God and His Son Jesus are perfect… Well that’s what I Perceive as Truth so it must be True…

Perceived Truth V. Absolute Truth…

See God gave us something called “Freewill.” Our freewill comes with the right we have to perceive things the way we want to, rather then the way they actually are. For instance… If people who believe in Jesus were right all along and their way of thinking is the ABSOLUTE TRUTH then that means my father is in Hell right now eating Deviled eggs with Hitler and Jack The Ripper. But PERCEIVED TRUTH gives even a  believer is Jesus freewill, to justify my father going to Heaven because they’re praying for him, even though he more than likely won’t pass the Good-O-Meter test in absolute terms should rightfully be in Hell.

Will a good follower of  Jesus ever admit it though?

Some will and some won’t. The ones who have their own brains probably will not even answer the question out of fear of repercussions or because they are  not bold enough to answer such questions… While the ones who are taken in by what their faith means to them ultimately will probably say he’s doomed for eternity. 😦 Which makes Perceived Truth not such a bad thing, but to a thinking man/woman can be seen as the core root to the World’s biggest problems.

No one is willing to just be REAL with themselves.  Everyone is trying to fit a standard or a mold that makes them look better in the eyes of God or someone else. When in actuality it’s more of a self satisfying agenda that we are blind to because it’s hidden behind the curtain some sort of pursuit of happiness.

Let’s put it like this. Everyone I know is in the “Pursuit Of Happiness” through 3 lanes

1. Money

2. Faith

3. Fame (Popularity)

I can’t deny that I’ve tasted all 3 things and all of them seem to leave a bitter flavor in my mouth because they all seem to lead me to a more and more confusing set  of ideologies that’s not based on the premise of  “Happiness” or some sort of “Salvation,” but based on the premise of denial in the fact that I’ll never truly be  “Happy” even when I achieve milestones in anyone of these areas because to me there’s always the notion of wanting more.  “I want to make more money to get more shit.” “I want to do more to prove my faith to show that I love God.” “I want to get more people follow my lead to show that I’m the best at what I do.”

After my experience will all of  these 3 things I’ve decided to call them the “D’Evils” in life. The “Dominant Evils” that ultimately will be the demise of our society as we know it. See, our Perceived Truths have lead us down a road that steadily gives us more justification to keep sinning and we’re oblivious to it because we’re caught up in ourselves and a way of life that people have predetermined for us through false education and manipulation of words.

Here’s my breakdown on things… Our brains compute information on a daily basis that makes Perceived Thinking possible. For example, I have a little sequence of numbers that hits me on a day to day basis that goes “111.” It has a symbolic spiritual meaning of someone being blessed if they see these numbers in any sequence of “111” or “1111.” Now 111 seems to follow me everywhere, but the first few times I caught it, it hit me as being more random and made it more of a “Faith-Drive” occurrence to me. Like in my condo, the unit across from the gym room I go to everyday is “111.” But as it became more common place, my friend would text me at 1:11am/pm and then as that faded away my brain became trained in just noticing “111” when it was 1:11 or 11:11 on a clock. I see it less and less in a random state, but more in a continues cycle that my brain has trained itself to notice. The same can be said about things like prayer.

If I pray that my world doesn’t end tomorrow every night, does the day I die mean that God let me down?

People pray for things everyday like the 3 D’Evils and of course, sometimes they get them and sometimes they don’t, but as people become more entranced with the notion of “Perceived Thinking” as an “Absolute Truth” those lines get blurred and simple coincidence all of a sudden becomes evidence of some type of truth to us. Like people who pray for everything. The more you pray the more things start to coincide in your life to that prayer. In reality it’s not because of your prayers coming true, but because of the actions you take that make those things come to life that makes prayer work. I look at prayer as a weakness sometimes. It kind of shows that we’re weak willed in ourselves and need some kind of crutch. I already know to look to God for what I “need” in this world, but the rest of it is really on me when I look forward to things I “want” in this world… I will admit though… I have been praying for one thing and it’s really something I feel only God can make happen. It’ll take one part of me sometime in the future to make it happen, but for now all I have is God in my corner on this. I guess I’m a little weak for that or even a hypocrite for going this route, but I have the option to do so because I feel it in my heart and soul.

Basically, I’ve grown to just believe that what we all know to be truth is all on us. I may be crazy for saying this, but I don’t believe in sin. If Jesus died for our sins and we’re forgiven for them when we die, what is sin in this world to people who believe in him?

We’re all knocking on Heavens door if we believe what man has made us think is truth about faith in Jesus, but in reality it’s all about just being good and wanting to do good. That’s all I want to do in this world while I’m here. God is a big part of that to me, but the gifts he’s given me to do it with are an even bigger part beyond my beliefs. And I know what most of you are saying right now… “How can you strongly believe in what you believe in and question it so much?”

My answer to you is, how can you not question it? There’s billions of people who think otherwise in this world. What makes you think we call can’t be right in some way, shape or form? Think about it and just strive to do right. 🙂

Any hoots… 2000+ words later and it just feels great to know that the spirit of free-thinking my father left me with is still striving in me, even though he can potentially be burning in Hell right now, but I’m sure he’s not because someone is praying for him out there… At least that’s my perception on things. 😉


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DISCLAIMER: I always write a disclaimer to discourage criticism of my opinion and more so to hide behind the veil of “this blog is to entertain more so than it is to teach” when I write something like this. This time around I don’t want to throw that shield up. I want to just be 100 and honestly say this is how I feel right now. My opinion can change as I learn more from both sides, but I just want to get how I’m feeling now off my chest before I truly move towards one way of thinking or another because the things I say and do, may not come quite through…My words may not convey just what I’m feeling (NOW)…



I usually don’t write from perspective of things I can’t fully understand. I think like someone who’s not exactly in the right “state” of mind, but always in the right “frame” of mind to comprehend things like philosophy or progressive thinking, but never have I understood theological thinking or why people are so deeply into it till now….


I failed my Religion 101 class at Penn State, offended an instructor at a Christianity 101 course I took this Spring and after a stint in Catholic school as a youth I left thinking my school and religion were one in the same (Catholic). And when I transplanted myself into a “Public” school I started attending after my family relocated from Queens to Long Island, I literally thought my new ideology was “Public.” It was a very traumatic experience for me… Forreealzzz… I was confused o__O . Everything I knew at about 8-9 years of ago was centered around the Catholic Church and when I left it, I didn’t know if I still had to “follow” anymore… And not to mention the culture shock from going to a very diverse and mixed school to a majority white school…. Geez… I didn’t know what my race was till some white kid told me, but that’s a totally other subject I won’t even dwell on in this blog…

What I want to talk about now is this verse:

“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11(1))

But before I even delve into that verse I want to give some background to why I’m even at the point where I’m quoting Bible verses in my blog…

The Bible…

Do I believe in it?

That would be a resounding yes with a big BUT. The but is that I’m skeptical of some of the ways man has manipulated the “WORD OF GOD” to make us follow such things as “religion,” when in reality all we really need is “FAITH” in God.

When I say “FAITH” I mean a faith that there is a God…. (To me) That there is a son of God named Jesus that died for our sins. It may sound far fetched, but if you believe it and see it for yourself it is the truth. The absolute truth?

To me in my current state of mind… I wouldn’t believe anything else. To you… Well, it’s about the individual and the way he/she wants to carry it. I recently had a debate about this that kind of confused me. The argument was if this is the “ABSOLUTE TRUTH” to us, what about everyone else?

The answer given to me was, “This is the only TRUTH and none other!”

I said (again), “But what about all of those people that feel differently? Isn’t the “truth” something we come to a conclusion to on our own? Isn’t it only something that we see in relation to our environment, our upbringing and events that made us come to this ‘Truth?'”

See… I got confused and had even more questions because I’m more concerned about my fellow man than myself in this matter. I want to know how others can be more enlightened and share in my joy that I’ve found in God too while not believing the same things I believe to be true. How can it be done???? o__O

The answer is… It can (if you want it), but it can’t because it’s not for everyone… When you’re blessed, whether you believe or not (in God)… It doesn’t matter. You are set in route towards God’s Kingdom with his guidance and his word alone. I dabbled in many different ways of thinking about Faith over the years and it got to the point where nothing worked out at all, so I decided to just “believe in God” and let life play out its course.

Was it working for me?

A little bit, but not to the extent that I felt fulfilled… I found myself living reckless, not caring about family/friends and what mattered most… LIFE. I just found myself becoming more and more self absorbed and believed God was just there for me and I felt untouchable…

It all came crashing down when I failed myself as a human in a “RELATIONSHIP.” It wasn’t so much the other person that effected me… It was me that let myself down… Relationships are funny in that way… When we’re at a weak point in our lives they’re our saving grace. Especially when there’s no other options to be seen or expectations to be met. Just living in that moment can change you for the better or for worse.

I took to the latter part of that (the worst), but came out of it free and empowered myself to do something more than just live recklessly, but developing structure in my life and reckless living all kind of defined me at that point. I didn’t realize till recently that the plan for me was not to test the limits of my existence, but to live towards a limitless existence.

And I don’t mean after I die. Fuck that…. I have no clue what to expect when I die. Nor am I preparing for that demise. I’m not part of some death cult… Nah… But what I’m talking about is my LEGACY… What impression I leave on people now and forever…

Which bring me to the main topic of this blog ===> The #WORDS…

“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

This statement is so real to me… Always knowing God has a plan for us is the first step to enlightenment. The second step is to follow that path. I’ve sincerely been lost for so long and I’ve prospered in being lost… Meaning everything seems to even out no matter how bad things were or have been in the past for me, but now I have more clarity in thinking and I’m no longer in the pursuit of happiness… I’ve found it in just following God’s plan for me.

I kind of just let God sort it out while I still discover…

Do I have hope in the future?

Yes and No because the most important time in history is now… The Present… And what we do now makes the best possible future come out as a result of it all. I’m not preparing for death… I REFUSE TO. I was given this life to live NOW and I’m going to do it by just being the best I can be to my God and my people. Those are the only 2 things I’m sure of in this universe to be TRUE (to me) and that’s what I live for and will die for.

What’s next?

Try to enlighten others to just believe in something… Believing in something is the first step towards God. If you don’t believe in God (a creator) what’s the point of your existence?

It’s a debate that stems from people’s overall loss in faith when it comes to religion. There’s a BBC series called the “Atheism Tapes” on NetFlix that I watched and it’s gotten me so open on what the other side thinks of what’s real and what’s not. The people that they spoke to give the most validating argument to what is wrong with faith and religion and they all share a core disbelief in God because of the image of God that man has made up through theology. From a logical perspective why should we believe in a vengeful God that says, “worship me in one of my many forms or DIE in HELL!” It’s kind of a hard way to take in something that’s suppose to be “good” and the thinking man knows this isn’t the right way because evidence in nature, validated through science proves otherwise.

Jonathan Miller The Atheism Tapes Narrator

What strikes me about these people… These Atheists, is that they’re numb to the concept of “Spirituality” and how it kind of makes sense in this crazy world. If you aren’t in touch with that side of things, you’re really not a person who believes in anything (Believer in God or not). We don’t know exactly what our “soul” consists of, but we kind of know that the concept is that after we die we reach another level of consciousnesses that is above and beyond what we see on earth. Some strive for it… Others (like myself) are aware of it and see living in the NOW as what is going to be definitive in what we do after the NOW is over. Like I said earlier my legacy is what will define me when I’m dead and gone. What I write, what people I’ve touch, what people I’ve loved, what people I’ve IMPACTED will give me solid place in the “Afterlife.”

To live a life that doesn’t impact lives or make a difference, to me, seems UNFULFILLED… 😦

And the best way for myself and many others to reach FULFILLMENT is through WORDS. Words are the most powerful tool we have to come across to people and can possibly change some minds (for the better)… WORDS tantalize the mind and when they’re fully understood they can impact the soul… Whether you’re a missionary trying to spread the word of God to people who don’t know it or a guy who writes what he feels in a blog, it all leaves behind a legacy on earth and whatever comes after earth is just icing on the cake of LIFE for us.

I can admit it openly that I don’t want to be forgotten… My refusal to be “average” and not be forgotten keeps be motivated towards goals in life that some people can’t even imagine or seems lofty, but I’m always on the path to attain it because that’s what God put me here for. That’s my PATH… 29:11(1)

– H


Here’s something to #Ponder…

This is my first use of the Bible in my writing and my head didn’t explode. GO ME!!! 🙂 Now I’m excited to learn more and relate it to my world… I let the words kind of flow out of me in this one and I was a little scared because when that happens I usually say more than the average reader can comprehend. I feel like this time around there’s no argument that can counteract my notion that we all have a path to the Kingdom Of God. The tough part is believing…. As a society we’ve lost that common belief in “something” that we don’t understand and when it comes up in conversation most of us are scared to talk about it. WHY?

Because some if us have the heart and knowledge to debate, argue, stand up for and fight for something we truly believe in, but not all of us have the heart to try to understand why it’s good to believe something else because we all think our ideology is right. And when you put everything you have on that ideology even in failing it’s hard to give up because you feel like it’s going to pull through for you one day… Like a bad relationship… You hope it will work for you one day… And then we wonder why so many people have turned into non-believers in recent times… Then we just shut up and give up the fight…

But there is a saving grace and that is we all fail to realize is that God is a constant and our perception of him is in direct correlation to how we think. If you can give yourself to God then there’s no limits to the amount of adversity you can withstand because God will see you though it all and you’ll eventually win (in your own mind). It’s simple “Mind Over Matter” from the Atheists’ perspective…. And what’s really wrong with that?

Absolutely nothing. So why can’t we all just accept each other and what works for us as individuals?

Think about that because my next blog is going to be about #LOVE… ❤

…:::MOOD MUSIC:::…

Download: ===> Black Star (Talib Kweli) – K.O.S. (Determination)

“At exactly which point do you start to realize that life without knowledge is, death in disguise? That’s why, Knowledge Of Self is like life after death. Apply it, to your life, let destiny manifest…” -Talib Kweli

“Stand in ovation, cause you put the HUGH in Human/ Cause and effect, effect everything you do and that’s why I got love in the face of hate…” -Talib Kweli

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It’s been a good 8-9 months and some change since I’ve written anything of real substance in my blog. I hope you like it because a lot has changed since the last time I truly spilled my #HEART out on here…



Due Diligence: is a term used for a number of concepts involving either an investigation of a business or person prior to signing a contract, or an act with a certain standard of care. It can be a legal obligation, but the term will more commonly apply to voluntary investigations. (Thank you Wikipedia)…

Why am I so interested in the term “Due Diligence” you ask?

Well I’ve kind of put myself into a contract in my life that can potentially ruin everything  I truly believe in because let’s face it, It’s totally not in my character to even think this way… I think…. :-/ BUT…  Something seems to be calling me to this lately. A few people know what I’m talking about, but most of you are clueless to this change. It’s sort of the “De-evolution Of H….” A step backwards for a man who not only thinks progressively, but at one point in time didn’t’ give a fuck about what you think at all…. Let’s call it a move towards what is unknown to me, but is working for me at the moment.

#CONFESSION: Clueless is one of my favorite movies ever.

So what’s the deal?

I am attempting to get  more in touch with “GOD.” Yeah, I always believed in “GOD,” but not in the religious sense, but more in the sense of someone who put us all here on a path to where he/she (“GOD”) wants us to end up. And I can’t front I’ve been blessed with opportunity after opportunity to do something more with this life of mine and I’m always kind set off my path by distractions. Distractions…

Yeah what I call “distractions,” some of you call “Sins.” I call them distractions because they’re things that lead me off my path and hinder productivity, growth & manifestation of the destiny that is in front of me. I always believed as humans we were put here to expand and grow, not to follow and die… That’s why I could never grasp certain concepts that people live by…. Things like religion, substance abuse, relationships, etc… I dabbled in all of them, but couldn’t commit myself to any given concept because none ever made real sense in my “BIG PICTURE.”

#CONFESSION: I don’t believe in Hell, but I’ve been there…

But as I’ve “Devolved” and thought about some conceptions like “relationships” and “religion” in particular, they started to make more sense to me and I can honestly say that they’re not such a bad thing… See, I’ve always considered myself to be sort of a cold hearted person. I see people as expendable assets in life. Friends come and go, you talk to family… Well you talk to family whenever it’s that time to get together and after one particularly horrible experience in long term relationships with a women… I kind of gave up on wanting that type of commitment for awhile….

It wasn’t until recently when I started to see “relationships” as more of an “understanding” rather than a game of “like & love.” For instance; I like and love a particular type of woman, but I’d only love a woman who understands and accepts me. I like and love friends who like to have fun and do the same things I do, but I love my friends who have been loyal, upfront, caring and of course understanding. It’s easy to have a circle of friends who smile in your face, but only seem to care when you’re giving 100% of you at your best all the time.  “Fair Weather Friends” is what I call these people. My friends… They’ve always been there no matter what. That small circle of people I count on has never let me down. So I’ll always have their back, no matter what and I know they’ll have mine.

As far as relationships with women…  I’ll only respect a woman in my life who has the heart to respect me for who I am and not only what I do and/or what I believe in. I’ve learned through years of playing games with women that they will believe anything when they’re into you. Doesn’t matter what you tell them. I’ve gotten so sick of playing that game that I’ve honestly started to not give a fuck about what women think of me, but more or less want to know… ===> Do they like what I’m thinking or even care to understand??? and vice-versa. If we can’t connect mentally there’s no chemistry to me….

#CONFESSION: I’m more scared of death coming to those I care about more than it coming to me…

So what do relationships have to do with this notion of “due diligence?”

Well… like I said, I’ve been trying to develop a better relationship with God and I need to do my research before I commit to anything. So I need examples… Friends, Family, Women… All relationships I want to to mirror that of one I’d have with God that works, but where do I begin though…

Throughout my life I’ve never been inclined to ask God for any earthly thing or even ask him for forgiveness for my “distractions.” Why?

Because God’s role in my life has always been as the saving grace… The one who catches me as soon as I start to fall. The protective bubble around me that shields me from harm. It’s been an interesting/fulfilling relationship indeed, but a turbulent one just the same. But over the past 3-4 months I’ve had some eye opening and a truly enlightening experiences that kind of make me want to get more familiar with the Creator. I’ve also learned that modern religion is even more bullshit than I thought it was. I’ve learned that faith makes us believe in fairy tales. I’ve learned to truly believe in something is more of a life long commitment and not just saying you believe in a set of rules and regulations that might get you somewhere WHEN YOU DIE.

But really though… Why are we so concerned about dying when there’s so much to live for?

I don’t know…  And I also don’t know why I even have these questions in my head right now… I’ve pondered over the fact that to change my train of thinking is not an easy task, but when someone does it fucks with my mind to the point where I’ll let these questions consume me till I come to a definitive answer and that’s where I sit now… Pondering… Investigating something that will potentially throw me off my path or set me back on it.

So with a lot of thought and DUE DILIGENCE I have to say I do want a better relationship with God and I’m going to start by learning his word and possibly praying from time to time…

It scares the shit out of me to even think that I’d actually be one of “those people,” but I guess I am… After-all I did go to Catholic School 🙂 and at the end of the day God put us here and he’s here to listen… And that’s all I need him for is ===> JUST TO LISTEN.

….I’m not going to be any different or “change.” I’m still going to be boarder-line misogynistic, I’m still going to talk my shit, I’m still going to be the best family & friend I can be to those I love and I’m still going to believe that life is to be lived to the fullest. So pop a bottle or pop a pill, whatever works for you… Whatever makes you happy…  Just know that the consequences are on the individual and that God can only listen to you, not guide you to your answers… We’re all set to go on a particular path and to those of us that are blessed enough there’s no changing the direction we’re headed in. The only bumps in the road come from the decisions we make that put things out of line, but that’s life…

“I’d take some things back if I could…. but I can’t cuz it’s life!” -Nickelus F

#CONFESSION: I still believe LOVE conquers all…. Though I haven’t had much luck in Love & War…

Feels good to get that off my chest and now I leave it open to interpretation on my readers… What do you think? Am I moving away from my destiny or am I setting myself on the right path?

I honestly can’t say for myself… All I know is that I feel enlightened and fulfilled recently and what I’ve learned has made me think twice before acting and I feel like I’ve gained a wealth of knowledge that has made me feel better overall. As time goes on I might feel something else, but we’ll see…  🙂



– H Diddy Blogger…

…:::MOOD MUSIC:::…

“Being my bloodline is one with the divine. In time brother, you will discover the light. Some say that God is Black and the Devil’s White… Well, the Devil is wrong and God is what’s right. I fight, with myself in the ring of doubt & fear. The rain ain’t gone, but I can still see clear… As a child, given religion with no answer to why. Just told believe in Jesus cause for me he did die. Curiosity killed the catechism. Understanding & wisdom became the rhythm that I played to and became a slave to master self. A rich man is one with knowledge, happiness & his health. My mind had dealt with the books of Zen, Tao the lessons, Koran and the Bible, to me they all vital and got truth within them, gotta read them boys. You just can’t skim them, different branches of belief, but one root that stem them, but people of the venom try to trim them and use religion as an emblem. When it should be a natural way of life… Who am I or they to say to whom you pray ain’t right? That’s who got you doing right & got you this far… Whether you say “in Jesus name” or Hum do Allah. As long as you know it’s a bein’ that’s supreme to you, you let that show towards others in the things you do… “ – Common

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