Posts Tagged ‘god’

We all miss the bigger picture when it comes to what we truly do and don’t know about the universe around us. Even though I believe in God have faith in my religious views, there’s always going to be a lingering question of why and how God did it. I say this just because there’s no point to what we’re doing in our lifetimes, if it’s not all towards the same end goal for EVERYONE. And if that end goal doesn’t exist, are we all living in vein because of our nature as humans?

We (including me) just want the Universe (and on a more level term the World) to be for the purpose of our own needs and/or desires.

If you care to watch the video I posted below, you can see that my buddy Neil deGrasse Tyson makes a good point in saying, “To assert that the universe has a purpose, implies a desired outcome. But who would do the desiring? And what would that desired outcome be?

If you see things as they are and not for what you wish them to be, maybe the Universe… Maybe the World would be a better place to live just because we’ll all sort of be on the same page. (God willing)

To clarify ===> We all have a purpose in the here and now, but realistically we create our own purpose in our minds for when we expire (Heaven, Hell, Boats, Hoes, etc…) But truth be told, only God can really make the real end call for anyone of us. So no matter what we do, we’re pretty much here for whatever God already has planned for us. So do what you do, but do it with the understanding that, no matter what it is you do, there’s only ONE that can judge you.

I’m just sayin’…


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I come up with titles for blogs before I actually come up with the subject matter for what I’m writing about most of the time. This time around the title came more so from the subject matter and not the need for an eye catching title… I must admit that Because I Fucking Lied To A Priest is pretty trill though. 🙂 And the reality is I’m just speaking from my heart and of course my mind. So take from it what you want. This one is about how I became who I am and how I’m becoming what God has planned for me.

Let’s start from the beginning…

I trace my roots in ideology back to my first Confession when I was maybe 5 or 6 years old. I was a pretty straight up character back then. Had a nice head of hair, got my cheeks pinched a lot by the adults, Catholic School uniform always fresh, but I was pretty naive about the world and people in general at that age. It was not till my first Confession where I realized that I had some real insight to what made people function.

First, the act of “Confessing” is a rite of passage for Catholics in general. You basically air your dirty laundry out to a priest and the priest instructs you to do a series of prayers to absolve you of your sins. What most of us don’t realize is, at a really young age these certain rites of passage become sort of a crutch for us. They make us feel less guilty about things we do and more confident that we’ll be forgiven for really bad things we’ve done. For me, at that age, it was more or less something I had no clue about, but had to do because that’s what we did. I was in Catholic school (Duh). When I was “forced” to confess my “sins” that first time I had no clue what I was committing myself to. I totally fell into a state of real question asking and answer seeking later on in life because of the serious mark my first confession left on me emotionally & mentally.

Basically, I went into my first Confession not truly understanding what “sin” was. I learned from school it was this one thing – Don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t kill, don’t blah, blah, blah… So yeah of course I didn’t do that shit… But I went into this confession for an awkward two to three minutes and end up lying to the priest just to appease his need for me to confess something to God…. I had no clue what sin I had actually committed before all this, so I made up something and said I lied to my mum once, which in turn made my first Confession my first real sin in hindsight. How ironic…. Long story short he got what he wanted and blessed me and moved on to the next kid.


That experience got me thinking and kind of made me look back on certain things… Things like innocents, love, understanding, etc. Things I totally had become oblivious of because I started to believe people’s lies and my own lies later on in life… I slowly developed into this person that could give you what you wanted to hear, not what you needed to hear. Unfortunately God makes this “talent” of administering these “Beautiful Lies” only redeemable in certain lights. I can’t seem to lighten up my words or lie to people I actually care about. I try to, but I can’t… It’s funny though… The harsher, the more condescending, sarcastic and patronizing I am to those I love, it seems to make them kind of gravitate towards me even more because I’m not scared to tell them the Truth. Some appreciate it… Others feel like I’m “evil…” Some just choose to not acknowledge that maybe I’m right because I’m saying what the fuck everyone else is thinking.


Maybe it’s because I fucking lied to a priest and realized down the line that telling people what they want to hear isn’t always going make you the bigger or better person in the all seeing eyes of God… Not saying anything at all (especially to those you love) doesn’t make you the bigger or better person either. Watching the world from the sidelines and not doing shit to change that doesn’t make you a better person either.  Being true to yourself and doing whatever you feel is right for you does make you the bigger and better person though. I can’t say what’s wrong or right for anyone except me, but I do have a talent for seeing the Truth past all the lies we want to believe. The sad truth is that like that priest, we all love to be lied to.

ME though… I see myself finally accepting the fact that I’m not as perfect as the movie I make my life out to be sometimes. I got handed the best and did the worst with it, so now my only desire is to start over… Go back to where I came from to make things right with God and myself. I’ve never been scared to move on or up… I just was always content because the blessings seemed to be never ending, but it didn’t cause any type of real fulfillment in my life till I discovered what God really has planned for me. What’s crazy is that even with that knowledge, it really hasn’t changed me much…

My friends and family tell me, “I have a good heart and soul and should focus my energy towards different “people” and I’ll be happier.”

Whatever that shit means… I don’t’ know, but maybe they’re right. Or maybe I really haven’t done a daaam thing that proves I even have a heart or soul so I try to please everyone. Or the reason I lied to that priest is because I couldn’t admit that maybe, just maybe I’ve been flawed since birth like they say in the Bible (Forgive me I was line 6 years old dogg). Or maybe, I’m just lying to myself right now and justifying everything I think is wrong about me with some bullshit about me lying to a priest and this is all some creative writing mind fuck. 🙂

See… Don’t ever think I don’t give you (the reader) the option to form your own conclusion because we all do it with our own lives anyway; with self righteousness notions about how we “want” to live, a false sense of understanding and a lack respect and love for the 6 billion other people we share this planet with. It’s sad, but true God may have messed up by giving us too many options for away out of trouble.

The question is, is there only one way out?

The answer is YES and NO. It depends on what school of thought you’re drawing from and if we learn to accept 6 billion plus people’s opinions, cultures mindsets and hearts, maybe there would be more love and less lies in this world.

So yeah, the fact I’m still here is living proof that there’s more to it than what we see and hear. I’ll get more into that when I write my next blog… Money, Models & Molly. This one is going to be change a lot of the way you look at those 3 words.

…:::MOOD MUSIC:::…

“Head shot, didn’t die. God got a plan for you.” ~French Montana “Sanctuary”

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Disclaimer: I reference God a few times in this to articulate my point on what a leader should be. I’m not particular keen on pushing my personal ideals out in my writing unless what I’m writing is tuned into that topic. This is a little different though… So I don’t give a fuck if you believe in God, Spaghetti Monsters, Nothing, Something or if you’re a Mormon… This is me speaking to you about how I feel about leading and leadership roles.

Enjoy. 🙂


I was proposed with the challenge to write a blog about being a leader and/or leading people…. And it had me caught up in a serious dilemma. I had to ask myself, “Can I be a true leader?”

And after a week of reflection, research and conversation… I came to the conclusion that there’s no such thing as a true leader in this world we live in. We can only take on “leadership roles” to give people the proper “guidance” in their existence. Whether it’s work, school, life…. We look to people in leadership roles to guide us to another level and hopefully pass on what they know and expand on it in an innovative and productive manner.

When I think of what a true leader is the concept of a “king” is the thing I put the most weight on. I always felt if I were at that level I would want people to feel a certain sense of full “adoration” towards me, but let’s be realistic…. There’s only one King who deserves that type of respect and that’s “God.” Can a mortal man ever fill those shoes?

Maybe, but not really…God’s power isn’t something we can even begin to imagine and after all, he created all this so we should adhere to that notion no matter what. The fact of the matter is, God is a hard guy to get along with even though he wants us to get along with him. He gives us the options to do what we want and people in roles of leadership provide us with the guidance to make sure we do what we think he wants us to. Hence why I say leadership roles are so crucial in our existence.

Now back to myself… What am I becoming when it comes to these “roles of leadership?”

UUUghhhhh… I hate labeling myself, but for sake of conversation, I would consider myself a Thought Leader in the works…. I’m someone who can lay out a concept, get people to listen and maybe even follow, but I don’t want to change one’s worldly view unless they want it and if whatever I have to offer works for them. Basically live your life the way you see fit, if what I say makes sense, then go with it and see if it works for you. My big problem is articulating my thoughts into real time examples and actions in a way that everyone can understand. I also tend to be a bit overstated in my words and lacking in my actions. I’ve just recently learned how to not just talk about it, but be about it. As cliche as that sounds, it’s necessary in any leadership role.

And not to get all preachy or push my faith out there, but my relationship with God has a lot to do with how I’m starting to articulate my thoughts to the world. Like I said, there’s basically only one “king” and that’s God. To be picked to reflect on people what he wants them to learn is a blessing and a task I’m more or less prepared to take on. It’s actually something I find to be easier than you’d think. I’m driven with a passion for people and knowledge. I take in experiences like a dry “sponge” 😉 to water and live my life by the lessons I’ve learned from them. God gave all of us this power, but some of us are admittedly not prepared to use it or are to weak to ever acknowledge that they even have it.

But God does use circumstance to speak to all of us and give us the seeds to take on leadership roles. He gives us useful guides (books, science, people, faith, etc…) in our journey through life. But we will often be led astray if that is our only means of determining God’s directions. It’s our nature as humans to fall into a state of disillusion because of what we perceive to be true…. It’s very rare that we find individuals with the courage to question what we think God has to offer us because so many people settle for what’s in front of them as how it will be and that’s that.

People that inspire change…. Innovators, inventors, people of vision and hope…. They aspire to change or even discredit old ways of belief/thinking to make things new… The Thought Leaders.

So you want to be a Thought Leader, but don’t believe in God? No big deal…

From the perspective of an Atheist let’s say your “God” is someone like Steve Jobs. The epitome of what a Thought Leader is suppose to be. Someone who can take on old ways of thinking, question it and innovate/change it into something new. He motivated people to think outside the box, he worked hands on in creation and people had so much adoration for this man that his death was something the world mourned… And all he created was a computer… An iPod… An iPhone… An iPad… Kinda makes you think about things doesn’t it?

The closest thing to a God we have in our society is a guy who makes gadgets. Are we so jaded and let down by the people we have in leadership roles that we turn to a man who didn’t actually help the world as a whole, but just changed the way we consume the world’s vast sea of information?

I’d say yes and he’s the fucking man for it too! Jobs shows us that times are changing and our values are as well. My generation is filled with people that reject the old way of thinking that old men has instilled in us for centuries… From kids protesting in Iran to this “Occupy Everything” movement… Those who choose to speak up might fill these leadership roles that have become so stale…

Now since I did bring up faith and God we need to know what were Steve Jobs’ personal beliefs? Did he look to God or even believe in God?

Jobs believed in Buddhist ideals and was arguably an Atheist, but I know a lot of religious/faithful types that still use his products, but won’t eat Kosher or Halal based off the preparer’s ideology… The change he brought onto the world transcended his personal beliefs and people took what he had to offer in without question. Him doing this shows us that we’re beginning to grow past things like racism and religious & social casts. He made us open to a universal change by throwing an “I” in front of some shit and making it cool to use and have. AMAZING….

I strive to be more of a Thought Leader, but still hope that my faith in God keeps me level so I don’t aspire to be a “king.” I don’t want that nor do I want people to follow me like that… I think Jobs felt the same way, but he gained peoples adoration because he inspired them so much… To a level that they believed so strongly in what change he had to offer. And even though he just did it through technology, it was something we needed because it united all of us as a society to think outside of the box just a little bit.

I think bigger than that though and as I grow in my love of God and my knowledge of people, I see the world differently. I don’t reject old ways of thinking, I want to refine them and rewrite what some of us perceive to be true… I want to enlighten and give people the keys to find knowledge within themselves to do big things… Shit… For real though… Someone has to…


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This was written on July 28th, 2011 a few weeks after the passing of my Father (Hugh N. Mulzac Jr.). I kind of didn’t have the time or energy to bring myself around to finishing my thoughts on this topic because you have to pick the right words to say when you’re questioning things like Faith, Belief Systems, God, Jesus, etc… People are so passionate about these things and so am I. My passion though, lies within my questions about it because I truly want everyone to be on the same page. To believe in something… To believe in themselves enough to know that as an individual we hold the keys to what Truth is all about and our perception of it is what will make or break us in the end.


I’ve kind of closed myself off from a lot of the “social” life I once embraced so much because of thoughts of me needing to “change” and possibly take on a new way of thinking… A new way of leading my life.

I can’t lie. It’s been a turbulent struggle for me because I wasn’t necessarily unhappy or happy with the way I was living, but I now feel more or less confused about it more than anything, especially with the current path I have chosen. And it’s not “totally” because of the path I’ve chosen, but because I choose to follow it in my own way and in turn still criticize the people that have helped lead me down this path. I feel this way because my criticism comes from an undeniable belief in the notion of “Right V. Wrong” and “Perceived Truth V. Absolute Truth” that I continue to struggle with.  So I’ve decided to creatively express how I feel in my blog before go coo-coo trying to figure it out without a proper outline.

Right V. Wrong…

Under my current belief system (A follower of Jesus) we’re suppose to do right, but not right enough to overshadow the powers that be because no one can do more right then Jesus or you’re on a sure path the HELL. So in essence if we try to emulate “ultimate righteousness” on earth then we’re technically living in sin, but if we do sin and believe that the powers that be will save us from that sin (Jesus) then we’re on the right path regardless of what sins we commit in life. Whether it’s a guy who kills a bunch of children in Norway or a bunch of guys burning crosses and hanging people in the name of Jesus; they’re all going to be saved because those sins they just committed are all “right” as long as Jesus comes first in their life.

On the flip side of things… Let me reference a man who to me did nothing, but good in his life, but didn’t particular care about whether Jesus existed or not… My father (Had to do it 😉 ). He passed away a few weeks ago and I guess there’s a time to grieve that’s kind of over for me, but there’s a time to reflect that got me thinking. He never once forced a particular ideology on my sister and I and even let our mother raise us in a religious home (100% Catholic! Born & Baptized!) and later on in life didn’t care if we worshiped God or turnips, just as long as we did good by him and mom, he was happy. Which we did do and he was happy till I started to question some of this free thinking attitude I was raised on. Things started to be a little sketchy for him because I did this on my own… Will actually a little guidance from a few people who I felt were misguided in life at the times, but they made sense to me because I felt and understood some of their trials and tribulations. The only difference for me was rather then turn away from those things they wanted to run away from, I embraced them. Long story short what I was hearing was good and it seems to be working for me. And as I contemplated things for months… I felt what happened with my father was the ultimate test of my FAITH.

Do I still believe in Jesus if it means that my father is going to HELL because he didn’t give a fuck about Jesus in real time?


It might sound crazy, but I do still believe. God… Jesus… Satan… Allah… Aliens…  Or whoever didn’t take my father away from the earth. It was just his time. We don’t live forever in the physical, but our energy lives on through eternity. No matter what we BELIEVE. And when the question was proposed by me to the person who impacted my decision to change my path the most on if my father was on his way to HELL all she could say is, “I’ll pray for him… I’m sure he’s in heaven…”

I can’t say she phrased it exactly like I have it written out, but her praying for him and hoping he’s in Heaven isn’t what exactly get’s him there. SO I bring back this “Good-O-Meter” YouTube video. Which is sort of a satirical view of what would happen to someone like my father once they hit the lime light (Heaven’s Gates).

To me depictions of faith like that video are blasphemy because they justify the wrongs we’ve done and makes it seem like it’s as simple as saying you just  believe it and you get to Heaven… The fact of the matter is it doesn’t really bother me that my father “might be in Hell” because then that just shows there’s flaws in faith as there are in life and again proving that not even God or the Son of God (Jesus) is perfect in all their decisions they’ve made (My bit of blasphemy for the day).

Or is it we have interpreted it wrong ourselves?

I can’t say it’s so farfetched or it’s bullshit from my perspective because I’ve come to the conclusion that the “Right V. Wrong” debate is more about  “Perceived Truth V. Absolute Truth” because God and His Son Jesus are perfect… Well that’s what I Perceive as Truth so it must be True…

Perceived Truth V. Absolute Truth…

See God gave us something called “Freewill.” Our freewill comes with the right we have to perceive things the way we want to, rather then the way they actually are. For instance… If people who believe in Jesus were right all along and their way of thinking is the ABSOLUTE TRUTH then that means my father is in Hell right now eating Deviled eggs with Hitler and Jack The Ripper. But PERCEIVED TRUTH gives even a  believer is Jesus freewill, to justify my father going to Heaven because they’re praying for him, even though he more than likely won’t pass the Good-O-Meter test in absolute terms should rightfully be in Hell.

Will a good follower of  Jesus ever admit it though?

Some will and some won’t. The ones who have their own brains probably will not even answer the question out of fear of repercussions or because they are  not bold enough to answer such questions… While the ones who are taken in by what their faith means to them ultimately will probably say he’s doomed for eternity. 😦 Which makes Perceived Truth not such a bad thing, but to a thinking man/woman can be seen as the core root to the World’s biggest problems.

No one is willing to just be REAL with themselves.  Everyone is trying to fit a standard or a mold that makes them look better in the eyes of God or someone else. When in actuality it’s more of a self satisfying agenda that we are blind to because it’s hidden behind the curtain some sort of pursuit of happiness.

Let’s put it like this. Everyone I know is in the “Pursuit Of Happiness” through 3 lanes

1. Money

2. Faith

3. Fame (Popularity)

I can’t deny that I’ve tasted all 3 things and all of them seem to leave a bitter flavor in my mouth because they all seem to lead me to a more and more confusing set  of ideologies that’s not based on the premise of  “Happiness” or some sort of “Salvation,” but based on the premise of denial in the fact that I’ll never truly be  “Happy” even when I achieve milestones in anyone of these areas because to me there’s always the notion of wanting more.  “I want to make more money to get more shit.” “I want to do more to prove my faith to show that I love God.” “I want to get more people follow my lead to show that I’m the best at what I do.”

After my experience will all of  these 3 things I’ve decided to call them the “D’Evils” in life. The “Dominant Evils” that ultimately will be the demise of our society as we know it. See, our Perceived Truths have lead us down a road that steadily gives us more justification to keep sinning and we’re oblivious to it because we’re caught up in ourselves and a way of life that people have predetermined for us through false education and manipulation of words.

Here’s my breakdown on things… Our brains compute information on a daily basis that makes Perceived Thinking possible. For example, I have a little sequence of numbers that hits me on a day to day basis that goes “111.” It has a symbolic spiritual meaning of someone being blessed if they see these numbers in any sequence of “111” or “1111.” Now 111 seems to follow me everywhere, but the first few times I caught it, it hit me as being more random and made it more of a “Faith-Drive” occurrence to me. Like in my condo, the unit across from the gym room I go to everyday is “111.” But as it became more common place, my friend would text me at 1:11am/pm and then as that faded away my brain became trained in just noticing “111” when it was 1:11 or 11:11 on a clock. I see it less and less in a random state, but more in a continues cycle that my brain has trained itself to notice. The same can be said about things like prayer.

If I pray that my world doesn’t end tomorrow every night, does the day I die mean that God let me down?

People pray for things everyday like the 3 D’Evils and of course, sometimes they get them and sometimes they don’t, but as people become more entranced with the notion of “Perceived Thinking” as an “Absolute Truth” those lines get blurred and simple coincidence all of a sudden becomes evidence of some type of truth to us. Like people who pray for everything. The more you pray the more things start to coincide in your life to that prayer. In reality it’s not because of your prayers coming true, but because of the actions you take that make those things come to life that makes prayer work. I look at prayer as a weakness sometimes. It kind of shows that we’re weak willed in ourselves and need some kind of crutch. I already know to look to God for what I “need” in this world, but the rest of it is really on me when I look forward to things I “want” in this world… I will admit though… I have been praying for one thing and it’s really something I feel only God can make happen. It’ll take one part of me sometime in the future to make it happen, but for now all I have is God in my corner on this. I guess I’m a little weak for that or even a hypocrite for going this route, but I have the option to do so because I feel it in my heart and soul.

Basically, I’ve grown to just believe that what we all know to be truth is all on us. I may be crazy for saying this, but I don’t believe in sin. If Jesus died for our sins and we’re forgiven for them when we die, what is sin in this world to people who believe in him?

We’re all knocking on Heavens door if we believe what man has made us think is truth about faith in Jesus, but in reality it’s all about just being good and wanting to do good. That’s all I want to do in this world while I’m here. God is a big part of that to me, but the gifts he’s given me to do it with are an even bigger part beyond my beliefs. And I know what most of you are saying right now… “How can you strongly believe in what you believe in and question it so much?”

My answer to you is, how can you not question it? There’s billions of people who think otherwise in this world. What makes you think we call can’t be right in some way, shape or form? Think about it and just strive to do right. 🙂

Any hoots… 2000+ words later and it just feels great to know that the spirit of free-thinking my father left me with is still striving in me, even though he can potentially be burning in Hell right now, but I’m sure he’s not because someone is praying for him out there… At least that’s my perception on things. 😉


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DISCLAIMER: I always write a disclaimer to discourage criticism of my opinion and more so to hide behind the veil of “this blog is to entertain more so than it is to teach” when I write something like this. This time around I don’t want to throw that shield up. I want to just be 100 and honestly say this is how I feel right now. My opinion can change as I learn more from both sides, but I just want to get how I’m feeling now off my chest before I truly move towards one way of thinking or another because the things I say and do, may not come quite through…My words may not convey just what I’m feeling (NOW)…



I usually don’t write from perspective of things I can’t fully understand. I think like someone who’s not exactly in the right “state” of mind, but always in the right “frame” of mind to comprehend things like philosophy or progressive thinking, but never have I understood theological thinking or why people are so deeply into it till now….


I failed my Religion 101 class at Penn State, offended an instructor at a Christianity 101 course I took this Spring and after a stint in Catholic school as a youth I left thinking my school and religion were one in the same (Catholic). And when I transplanted myself into a “Public” school I started attending after my family relocated from Queens to Long Island, I literally thought my new ideology was “Public.” It was a very traumatic experience for me… Forreealzzz… I was confused o__O . Everything I knew at about 8-9 years of ago was centered around the Catholic Church and when I left it, I didn’t know if I still had to “follow” anymore… And not to mention the culture shock from going to a very diverse and mixed school to a majority white school…. Geez… I didn’t know what my race was till some white kid told me, but that’s a totally other subject I won’t even dwell on in this blog…

What I want to talk about now is this verse:

“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11(1))

But before I even delve into that verse I want to give some background to why I’m even at the point where I’m quoting Bible verses in my blog…

The Bible…

Do I believe in it?

That would be a resounding yes with a big BUT. The but is that I’m skeptical of some of the ways man has manipulated the “WORD OF GOD” to make us follow such things as “religion,” when in reality all we really need is “FAITH” in God.

When I say “FAITH” I mean a faith that there is a God…. (To me) That there is a son of God named Jesus that died for our sins. It may sound far fetched, but if you believe it and see it for yourself it is the truth. The absolute truth?

To me in my current state of mind… I wouldn’t believe anything else. To you… Well, it’s about the individual and the way he/she wants to carry it. I recently had a debate about this that kind of confused me. The argument was if this is the “ABSOLUTE TRUTH” to us, what about everyone else?

The answer given to me was, “This is the only TRUTH and none other!”

I said (again), “But what about all of those people that feel differently? Isn’t the “truth” something we come to a conclusion to on our own? Isn’t it only something that we see in relation to our environment, our upbringing and events that made us come to this ‘Truth?'”

See… I got confused and had even more questions because I’m more concerned about my fellow man than myself in this matter. I want to know how others can be more enlightened and share in my joy that I’ve found in God too while not believing the same things I believe to be true. How can it be done???? o__O

The answer is… It can (if you want it), but it can’t because it’s not for everyone… When you’re blessed, whether you believe or not (in God)… It doesn’t matter. You are set in route towards God’s Kingdom with his guidance and his word alone. I dabbled in many different ways of thinking about Faith over the years and it got to the point where nothing worked out at all, so I decided to just “believe in God” and let life play out its course.

Was it working for me?

A little bit, but not to the extent that I felt fulfilled… I found myself living reckless, not caring about family/friends and what mattered most… LIFE. I just found myself becoming more and more self absorbed and believed God was just there for me and I felt untouchable…

It all came crashing down when I failed myself as a human in a “RELATIONSHIP.” It wasn’t so much the other person that effected me… It was me that let myself down… Relationships are funny in that way… When we’re at a weak point in our lives they’re our saving grace. Especially when there’s no other options to be seen or expectations to be met. Just living in that moment can change you for the better or for worse.

I took to the latter part of that (the worst), but came out of it free and empowered myself to do something more than just live recklessly, but developing structure in my life and reckless living all kind of defined me at that point. I didn’t realize till recently that the plan for me was not to test the limits of my existence, but to live towards a limitless existence.

And I don’t mean after I die. Fuck that…. I have no clue what to expect when I die. Nor am I preparing for that demise. I’m not part of some death cult… Nah… But what I’m talking about is my LEGACY… What impression I leave on people now and forever…

Which bring me to the main topic of this blog ===> The #WORDS…

“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

This statement is so real to me… Always knowing God has a plan for us is the first step to enlightenment. The second step is to follow that path. I’ve sincerely been lost for so long and I’ve prospered in being lost… Meaning everything seems to even out no matter how bad things were or have been in the past for me, but now I have more clarity in thinking and I’m no longer in the pursuit of happiness… I’ve found it in just following God’s plan for me.

I kind of just let God sort it out while I still discover…

Do I have hope in the future?

Yes and No because the most important time in history is now… The Present… And what we do now makes the best possible future come out as a result of it all. I’m not preparing for death… I REFUSE TO. I was given this life to live NOW and I’m going to do it by just being the best I can be to my God and my people. Those are the only 2 things I’m sure of in this universe to be TRUE (to me) and that’s what I live for and will die for.

What’s next?

Try to enlighten others to just believe in something… Believing in something is the first step towards God. If you don’t believe in God (a creator) what’s the point of your existence?

It’s a debate that stems from people’s overall loss in faith when it comes to religion. There’s a BBC series called the “Atheism Tapes” on NetFlix that I watched and it’s gotten me so open on what the other side thinks of what’s real and what’s not. The people that they spoke to give the most validating argument to what is wrong with faith and religion and they all share a core disbelief in God because of the image of God that man has made up through theology. From a logical perspective why should we believe in a vengeful God that says, “worship me in one of my many forms or DIE in HELL!” It’s kind of a hard way to take in something that’s suppose to be “good” and the thinking man knows this isn’t the right way because evidence in nature, validated through science proves otherwise.

Jonathan Miller The Atheism Tapes Narrator

What strikes me about these people… These Atheists, is that they’re numb to the concept of “Spirituality” and how it kind of makes sense in this crazy world. If you aren’t in touch with that side of things, you’re really not a person who believes in anything (Believer in God or not). We don’t know exactly what our “soul” consists of, but we kind of know that the concept is that after we die we reach another level of consciousnesses that is above and beyond what we see on earth. Some strive for it… Others (like myself) are aware of it and see living in the NOW as what is going to be definitive in what we do after the NOW is over. Like I said earlier my legacy is what will define me when I’m dead and gone. What I write, what people I’ve touch, what people I’ve loved, what people I’ve IMPACTED will give me solid place in the “Afterlife.”

To live a life that doesn’t impact lives or make a difference, to me, seems UNFULFILLED… 😦

And the best way for myself and many others to reach FULFILLMENT is through WORDS. Words are the most powerful tool we have to come across to people and can possibly change some minds (for the better)… WORDS tantalize the mind and when they’re fully understood they can impact the soul… Whether you’re a missionary trying to spread the word of God to people who don’t know it or a guy who writes what he feels in a blog, it all leaves behind a legacy on earth and whatever comes after earth is just icing on the cake of LIFE for us.

I can admit it openly that I don’t want to be forgotten… My refusal to be “average” and not be forgotten keeps be motivated towards goals in life that some people can’t even imagine or seems lofty, but I’m always on the path to attain it because that’s what God put me here for. That’s my PATH… 29:11(1)

– H


Here’s something to #Ponder…

This is my first use of the Bible in my writing and my head didn’t explode. GO ME!!! 🙂 Now I’m excited to learn more and relate it to my world… I let the words kind of flow out of me in this one and I was a little scared because when that happens I usually say more than the average reader can comprehend. I feel like this time around there’s no argument that can counteract my notion that we all have a path to the Kingdom Of God. The tough part is believing…. As a society we’ve lost that common belief in “something” that we don’t understand and when it comes up in conversation most of us are scared to talk about it. WHY?

Because some if us have the heart and knowledge to debate, argue, stand up for and fight for something we truly believe in, but not all of us have the heart to try to understand why it’s good to believe something else because we all think our ideology is right. And when you put everything you have on that ideology even in failing it’s hard to give up because you feel like it’s going to pull through for you one day… Like a bad relationship… You hope it will work for you one day… And then we wonder why so many people have turned into non-believers in recent times… Then we just shut up and give up the fight…

But there is a saving grace and that is we all fail to realize is that God is a constant and our perception of him is in direct correlation to how we think. If you can give yourself to God then there’s no limits to the amount of adversity you can withstand because God will see you though it all and you’ll eventually win (in your own mind). It’s simple “Mind Over Matter” from the Atheists’ perspective…. And what’s really wrong with that?

Absolutely nothing. So why can’t we all just accept each other and what works for us as individuals?

Think about that because my next blog is going to be about #LOVE… ❤

…:::MOOD MUSIC:::…

Download: ===> Black Star (Talib Kweli) – K.O.S. (Determination)

“At exactly which point do you start to realize that life without knowledge is, death in disguise? That’s why, Knowledge Of Self is like life after death. Apply it, to your life, let destiny manifest…” -Talib Kweli

“Stand in ovation, cause you put the HUGH in Human/ Cause and effect, effect everything you do and that’s why I got love in the face of hate…” -Talib Kweli

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It’s been a good 8-9 months and some change since I’ve written anything of real substance in my blog. I hope you like it because a lot has changed since the last time I truly spilled my #HEART out on here…



Due Diligence: is a term used for a number of concepts involving either an investigation of a business or person prior to signing a contract, or an act with a certain standard of care. It can be a legal obligation, but the term will more commonly apply to voluntary investigations. (Thank you Wikipedia)…

Why am I so interested in the term “Due Diligence” you ask?

Well I’ve kind of put myself into a contract in my life that can potentially ruin everything  I truly believe in because let’s face it, It’s totally not in my character to even think this way… I think…. :-/ BUT…  Something seems to be calling me to this lately. A few people know what I’m talking about, but most of you are clueless to this change. It’s sort of the “De-evolution Of H….” A step backwards for a man who not only thinks progressively, but at one point in time didn’t’ give a fuck about what you think at all…. Let’s call it a move towards what is unknown to me, but is working for me at the moment.

#CONFESSION: Clueless is one of my favorite movies ever.

So what’s the deal?

I am attempting to get  more in touch with “GOD.” Yeah, I always believed in “GOD,” but not in the religious sense, but more in the sense of someone who put us all here on a path to where he/she (“GOD”) wants us to end up. And I can’t front I’ve been blessed with opportunity after opportunity to do something more with this life of mine and I’m always kind set off my path by distractions. Distractions…

Yeah what I call “distractions,” some of you call “Sins.” I call them distractions because they’re things that lead me off my path and hinder productivity, growth & manifestation of the destiny that is in front of me. I always believed as humans we were put here to expand and grow, not to follow and die… That’s why I could never grasp certain concepts that people live by…. Things like religion, substance abuse, relationships, etc… I dabbled in all of them, but couldn’t commit myself to any given concept because none ever made real sense in my “BIG PICTURE.”

#CONFESSION: I don’t believe in Hell, but I’ve been there…

But as I’ve “Devolved” and thought about some conceptions like “relationships” and “religion” in particular, they started to make more sense to me and I can honestly say that they’re not such a bad thing… See, I’ve always considered myself to be sort of a cold hearted person. I see people as expendable assets in life. Friends come and go, you talk to family… Well you talk to family whenever it’s that time to get together and after one particularly horrible experience in long term relationships with a women… I kind of gave up on wanting that type of commitment for awhile….

It wasn’t until recently when I started to see “relationships” as more of an “understanding” rather than a game of “like & love.” For instance; I like and love a particular type of woman, but I’d only love a woman who understands and accepts me. I like and love friends who like to have fun and do the same things I do, but I love my friends who have been loyal, upfront, caring and of course understanding. It’s easy to have a circle of friends who smile in your face, but only seem to care when you’re giving 100% of you at your best all the time.  “Fair Weather Friends” is what I call these people. My friends… They’ve always been there no matter what. That small circle of people I count on has never let me down. So I’ll always have their back, no matter what and I know they’ll have mine.

As far as relationships with women…  I’ll only respect a woman in my life who has the heart to respect me for who I am and not only what I do and/or what I believe in. I’ve learned through years of playing games with women that they will believe anything when they’re into you. Doesn’t matter what you tell them. I’ve gotten so sick of playing that game that I’ve honestly started to not give a fuck about what women think of me, but more or less want to know… ===> Do they like what I’m thinking or even care to understand??? and vice-versa. If we can’t connect mentally there’s no chemistry to me….

#CONFESSION: I’m more scared of death coming to those I care about more than it coming to me…

So what do relationships have to do with this notion of “due diligence?”

Well… like I said, I’ve been trying to develop a better relationship with God and I need to do my research before I commit to anything. So I need examples… Friends, Family, Women… All relationships I want to to mirror that of one I’d have with God that works, but where do I begin though…

Throughout my life I’ve never been inclined to ask God for any earthly thing or even ask him for forgiveness for my “distractions.” Why?

Because God’s role in my life has always been as the saving grace… The one who catches me as soon as I start to fall. The protective bubble around me that shields me from harm. It’s been an interesting/fulfilling relationship indeed, but a turbulent one just the same. But over the past 3-4 months I’ve had some eye opening and a truly enlightening experiences that kind of make me want to get more familiar with the Creator. I’ve also learned that modern religion is even more bullshit than I thought it was. I’ve learned that faith makes us believe in fairy tales. I’ve learned to truly believe in something is more of a life long commitment and not just saying you believe in a set of rules and regulations that might get you somewhere WHEN YOU DIE.

But really though… Why are we so concerned about dying when there’s so much to live for?

I don’t know…  And I also don’t know why I even have these questions in my head right now… I’ve pondered over the fact that to change my train of thinking is not an easy task, but when someone does it fucks with my mind to the point where I’ll let these questions consume me till I come to a definitive answer and that’s where I sit now… Pondering… Investigating something that will potentially throw me off my path or set me back on it.

So with a lot of thought and DUE DILIGENCE I have to say I do want a better relationship with God and I’m going to start by learning his word and possibly praying from time to time…

It scares the shit out of me to even think that I’d actually be one of “those people,” but I guess I am… After-all I did go to Catholic School 🙂 and at the end of the day God put us here and he’s here to listen… And that’s all I need him for is ===> JUST TO LISTEN.

….I’m not going to be any different or “change.” I’m still going to be boarder-line misogynistic, I’m still going to talk my shit, I’m still going to be the best family & friend I can be to those I love and I’m still going to believe that life is to be lived to the fullest. So pop a bottle or pop a pill, whatever works for you… Whatever makes you happy…  Just know that the consequences are on the individual and that God can only listen to you, not guide you to your answers… We’re all set to go on a particular path and to those of us that are blessed enough there’s no changing the direction we’re headed in. The only bumps in the road come from the decisions we make that put things out of line, but that’s life…

“I’d take some things back if I could…. but I can’t cuz it’s life!” -Nickelus F

#CONFESSION: I still believe LOVE conquers all…. Though I haven’t had much luck in Love & War…

Feels good to get that off my chest and now I leave it open to interpretation on my readers… What do you think? Am I moving away from my destiny or am I setting myself on the right path?

I honestly can’t say for myself… All I know is that I feel enlightened and fulfilled recently and what I’ve learned has made me think twice before acting and I feel like I’ve gained a wealth of knowledge that has made me feel better overall. As time goes on I might feel something else, but we’ll see…  🙂



– H Diddy Blogger…

…:::MOOD MUSIC:::…

“Being my bloodline is one with the divine. In time brother, you will discover the light. Some say that God is Black and the Devil’s White… Well, the Devil is wrong and God is what’s right. I fight, with myself in the ring of doubt & fear. The rain ain’t gone, but I can still see clear… As a child, given religion with no answer to why. Just told believe in Jesus cause for me he did die. Curiosity killed the catechism. Understanding & wisdom became the rhythm that I played to and became a slave to master self. A rich man is one with knowledge, happiness & his health. My mind had dealt with the books of Zen, Tao the lessons, Koran and the Bible, to me they all vital and got truth within them, gotta read them boys. You just can’t skim them, different branches of belief, but one root that stem them, but people of the venom try to trim them and use religion as an emblem. When it should be a natural way of life… Who am I or they to say to whom you pray ain’t right? That’s who got you doing right & got you this far… Whether you say “in Jesus name” or Hum do Allah. As long as you know it’s a bein’ that’s supreme to you, you let that show towards others in the things you do… “ – Common

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So I wrote a whole blog about 2009 and I felt it wasn’t as sincere as it could be because when I force myself to write something it never sounds like me so I decided to take step back and think about some of my favorite “words of wisdom” from none other then Beanie Sigel


“Damn, i feel it in the air, you not sincere/ Nigga it ain’t an us, or we, or I’ma thing/ It’s a good/bad karma thing/ This the code man an honor thing/ I swear i feel somethin’ honestly-Beanie Sigel

Vodpod videos no longer available.


Cause Sigel hit it on the head. “IT’S A GOOD/BAD MARMA THING.” I’m a strong believer in Karma and feel that a lot of the things that have gone on in my life up to a certain point were do to BAD KARMA. God has a way of playing chess with me and I’ve noticed. He’ll let me get off and snatch a few of his pawns, but his knight ends up busting my ass down till he checks me with his Bishop.

Last year I flipped it around on em and took it upon myself to changed my path for the better and it’s been a blessing so let’s hope in 2009 I get to CHECK the man upstairs to show him I’m worthy of all the new blessings he bestowed on me.


So… What am I feeling in 2009?

I don’t feel it’s going to be a big year where my “team”  wins or a year of growth ( all so CLICHE), but it’s more of a year of CHANGE.

CHANGE in ideas, movements, paths and most of all feelings…


I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster that’s weighed heavy on my mind and soul for a whole year.

It more or less started with a question of what I did or didn’t do that turned into a question of what haven’t I done yet??? And last year my inspiration was anger/pain and as weird as this sounds, it made me do better for myself…

In ’09 though NO MORE boundaries or fears. NO MORE ‘if’, ‘ands’ or ‘maybes.’ NO MORE bitterness… And this is a big one, NO MORE DOUBTS.

It’s all DESTINY  and since I see clearly now I’ve been blessed by a few people who I have to mention who are making this trip one to remember:

DISCLAIMER: These are in no particular order. So don’t get on me because you ain’t #1 even though #1 is supposed to be #1 😉


#1 K… I stumbled upon someone who is EXACTLY LIKE ME. 🙂 Not like how T.P. (Ace) is like me (you know silly and shit), but like how I am a little deeper down and it all started from some random knowledge of music we both shared that opened up a window of very stimulating conversation, which kind of inspired me to flip what I was going to write for 2009 into what I’m spilling now. It’s DESTINY. We’re both from QUEENS & love NINA SKY… AMAZING…. But for real it’s like K said, “sometimes people are meant to come together randomly.” And that’s what makes her so COOOOL… There’s no walls… It’s like we can almost finish each others sentence, but not really. It’s like when we find out one more thing we have in common it sheds a little more of those  insecurities between us off… It’s so odd how it works out, but it does… And when I thought about stuff we talked about in such a short time, it was very eye opening because I didn’t hold back much and I felt comfortable doing it. Only thing I can say is, “Get outta my head!”  So yeah, K… You are definitely special because you’re so much like me and that’s like a blessing in itself ; -) MOOD MUSIC: Nina Sky ft. Rick Ross – Curtain Call


#2 LOIS LAME… Probably the most sincere person I know and arguably someone who kind of gets me, but still doesn’t… Fun loving, free, has a love for bacon that I am in LOVE with and just a plain ol’ beautiful person. LOIS LAME was a blessing for me when I almost hit the bottom in ’08 and is still ridin’ with me. I know that in 2009 she’s going to be a problem because… Well I’m so gonna make sure she is! She’s like my pot of gold under the rainbow and a breath of fresh minty air in the winter. She’s the ultimate icing on any cupcake or brownie. She’s like the blue cheese that goes with my hot wings. Talking about her now is making me hungry… But seriously,  Lois is great and for someone who is so far away, she makes it seem like she’s right here with me every time we talk. FYI LL… If our bet ends up to be a draw, it won’t matter because you won overall for just making it to end and I’m PROUD of you for it. I on the other hand am just inflicting torture on myself…  Blog about that one. 😉 MOOD MUSIC: Britney Spears – Oops… I Did It Again


#3 KIMBERLEY… My #1 blog reader! Plus, the first person to actually confront me about what I’ve posted and called me out and said I was pretty much a RACIST… Well you were right in questioning me on that, but we squared it away and she knows I’m not a racist. Kimberley to me represents that wide-eyed inquisitive person I should have been at that early 20’s stretch of my life. She feels me on a lot issues, but also has the quiet innocents that is so refreshing because like all people in their early 20’s, THEY DON’T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE WHAT THE FUCK IS COMING. She’s a fan of F and was married to me through Hip Hop on facebook… Got to love that! Like the many people I try to influence she will be one of the great ones. She might fuck around and out do me one day… But it’s not bloody likely 😉  MOOD MUSIC: Aaliyah ft. Skillz & Danja Mowf – Are You That Somebody (Remix)


#4 F (NICKELUS F)… One of, if not the SMARTEST person I know. Like me he chose a path in life that only DESTINY can determine and DESTINY is a funny style bitch sometimes. Let’s you see her naked, but don’t let you smash… Now that F is grown… I think he’s ready to blow DESTINY’S back out in 2009. Watch… I’ve never questioned his determination or talent, but more so his dedication to this MUSIC… But lately, I’ve noticed that he is now more dedicated then ever to make something happen and I’m riding with em till the end… MOOD MUSIC: Nickelus F & Portishead – Roads


#5 DRAKE… One word DETERMINED. I liken my attitude to the kid a lot because he is exactly like me at his age. Ambitious, motivated, talented and blessed with opportunity. The difference between us is… I squandered away my opportunities, but now have my a second chance to make up for lost time. I remember before the Lil Wayne duets and deal with Interscope just talking to this 19 year old kid who had dreams of grandeur like no other person I knew. He wasn’t afraid to stunt just like me. He only lacked confidence in his music, which I can say I helped nurture with some of my “words of wisdom.” Seeing the way he moved kinda threw me off at times, but I see now that his heart is in the right place and he’s going to be bigger then what anyone expected in this game… 2009 it’s going to be serious DRIZZY! MOOD MUSIC: Lykke Li ft. Drake – Little Bit (Remix)


#6 ALI… Someone I mentored back at Penn State… Someone who I’ve seen grow from a shy nerd, to a businessman and ladies-man within a 2 year stretch. What I admire about Ali is that he listens and isn’t afraid of taking risks with what I call “found money.” Out of all the people I’ve encountered in my life this Persian fucker is the only one who has humbled me because he has no problem pulling my card. I always appreciated that and for real he’s more like family then friend and I’ll always have homie’s back. MOOD MUSIC: Swizz Beatz – That Oprah


#7 GOD… I’m so spiritually ONE’D right now that it’s like I’m a born again Christian or got saved or something, but I’m no religious fanatic or one who seeks answers from GOD. I just know my relationship with him is strong and even though I haven’t exactly found my path just yet; God is walking with me. He got to be cause I’d be dead by now with all the shit i’ve I’ve been living though. 😉 MOOD MUSIC: Jay-Z – Lucky Me

I picked these people to write about because they represent everything I have inside me so well and I feel in 2009 they’re all going to excel past expectations… Whether it be in their career, their studies, their relationships, their business or their music… I see them as key people now in my growth from this point on.

So it’s like I’m adding them to my list after dropping one big person off it.

To everyone I didn’t mention, you know that I love y’all in no particular order (MOMMY, DADDY, SISTER, KENNY, SHAUN, TERESA, ARCHNA, LANCE, KARI, JERRY, JENY, JANICE, RELL, JARED AND WHOEVER I FORGOT, YOU ALREADY KNOW I GOT YOU!) I’ve known ya’ll too long not to give you props.


Then there’s KOFI… That’s a whole other blog. COMING SOON… 🙂

So 2009… It’s a new year, we got a real nigga in office running the U.S. and I’m still alive. GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!


Beans hit it on the head with that song…

“I can feel it in the air…”

Listen to the song again and pay attention to the video to get the point… He’s talking about getting busted down for criminal conspiracy, but it’s all relative to other things in life that we go though.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

It’s like sometimes we have no control over situations and people who we choose to trust… We become victims of our own naivety and can fall from it, but our intuition tells us that we can let the voice in our heads take control and let us pursue what we’re DESTINED for and who we’re DESTINED to travel that road with.

Beans heard the voice and I guess it felt like it was his time to go down…

I’ve been there and I’ve done my time….  Now it’s a new year and I have another 365 days to discover where it all falls again…


H Diddy Blogger… OUT

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