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Posts Tagged ‘love’

I come up with titles for blogs before I actually come up with the subject matter for what I’m writing about most of the time. This time around the title came more so from the subject matter and not the need for an eye catching title… I must admit that Because I Fucking Lied To A Priest is pretty trill though. 🙂 And the reality is I’m just speaking from my heart and of course my mind. So take from it what you want. This one is about how I became who I am and how I’m becoming what God has planned for me.

Let’s start from the beginning…

I trace my roots in ideology back to my first Confession when I was maybe 5 or 6 years old. I was a pretty straight up character back then. Had a nice head of hair, got my cheeks pinched a lot by the adults, Catholic School uniform always fresh, but I was pretty naive about the world and people in general at that age. It was not till my first Confession where I realized that I had some real insight to what made people function.

First, the act of “Confessing” is a rite of passage for Catholics in general. You basically air your dirty laundry out to a priest and the priest instructs you to do a series of prayers to absolve you of your sins. What most of us don’t realize is, at a really young age these certain rites of passage become sort of a crutch for us. They make us feel less guilty about things we do and more confident that we’ll be forgiven for really bad things we’ve done. For me, at that age, it was more or less something I had no clue about, but had to do because that’s what we did. I was in Catholic school (Duh). When I was “forced” to confess my “sins” that first time I had no clue what I was committing myself to. I totally fell into a state of real question asking and answer seeking later on in life because of the serious mark my first confession left on me emotionally & mentally.

Basically, I went into my first Confession not truly understanding what “sin” was. I learned from school it was this one thing – Don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t kill, don’t blah, blah, blah… So yeah of course I didn’t do that shit… But I went into this confession for an awkward two to three minutes and end up lying to the priest just to appease his need for me to confess something to God…. I had no clue what sin I had actually committed before all this, so I made up something and said I lied to my mum once, which in turn made my first Confession my first real sin in hindsight. How ironic…. Long story short he got what he wanted and blessed me and moved on to the next kid.

Fast-forward

That experience got me thinking and kind of made me look back on certain things… Things like innocents, love, understanding, etc. Things I totally had become oblivious of because I started to believe people’s lies and my own lies later on in life… I slowly developed into this person that could give you what you wanted to hear, not what you needed to hear. Unfortunately God makes this “talent” of administering these “Beautiful Lies” only redeemable in certain lights. I can’t seem to lighten up my words or lie to people I actually care about. I try to, but I can’t… It’s funny though… The harsher, the more condescending, sarcastic and patronizing I am to those I love, it seems to make them kind of gravitate towards me even more because I’m not scared to tell them the Truth. Some appreciate it… Others feel like I’m “evil…” Some just choose to not acknowledge that maybe I’m right because I’m saying what the fuck everyone else is thinking.

Why?

Maybe it’s because I fucking lied to a priest and realized down the line that telling people what they want to hear isn’t always going make you the bigger or better person in the all seeing eyes of God… Not saying anything at all (especially to those you love) doesn’t make you the bigger or better person either. Watching the world from the sidelines and not doing shit to change that doesn’t make you a better person either.  Being true to yourself and doing whatever you feel is right for you does make you the bigger and better person though. I can’t say what’s wrong or right for anyone except me, but I do have a talent for seeing the Truth past all the lies we want to believe. The sad truth is that like that priest, we all love to be lied to.

ME though… I see myself finally accepting the fact that I’m not as perfect as the movie I make my life out to be sometimes. I got handed the best and did the worst with it, so now my only desire is to start over… Go back to where I came from to make things right with God and myself. I’ve never been scared to move on or up… I just was always content because the blessings seemed to be never ending, but it didn’t cause any type of real fulfillment in my life till I discovered what God really has planned for me. What’s crazy is that even with that knowledge, it really hasn’t changed me much…

My friends and family tell me, “I have a good heart and soul and should focus my energy towards different “people” and I’ll be happier.”

Whatever that shit means… I don’t’ know, but maybe they’re right. Or maybe I really haven’t done a daaam thing that proves I even have a heart or soul so I try to please everyone. Or the reason I lied to that priest is because I couldn’t admit that maybe, just maybe I’ve been flawed since birth like they say in the Bible (Forgive me I was line 6 years old dogg). Or maybe, I’m just lying to myself right now and justifying everything I think is wrong about me with some bullshit about me lying to a priest and this is all some creative writing mind fuck. 🙂

See… Don’t ever think I don’t give you (the reader) the option to form your own conclusion because we all do it with our own lives anyway; with self righteousness notions about how we “want” to live, a false sense of understanding and a lack respect and love for the 6 billion other people we share this planet with. It’s sad, but true God may have messed up by giving us too many options for away out of trouble.

The question is, is there only one way out?

The answer is YES and NO. It depends on what school of thought you’re drawing from and if we learn to accept 6 billion plus people’s opinions, cultures mindsets and hearts, maybe there would be more love and less lies in this world.

So yeah, the fact I’m still here is living proof that there’s more to it than what we see and hear. I’ll get more into that when I write my next blog… Money, Models & Molly. This one is going to be change a lot of the way you look at those 3 words.

…:::MOOD MUSIC:::…

“Head shot, didn’t die. God got a plan for you.” ~French Montana “Sanctuary”

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It’s been a good 8-9 months and some change since I’ve written anything of real substance in my blog. I hope you like it because a lot has changed since the last time I truly spilled my #HEART out on here…

Enjoy.

________

Due Diligence: is a term used for a number of concepts involving either an investigation of a business or person prior to signing a contract, or an act with a certain standard of care. It can be a legal obligation, but the term will more commonly apply to voluntary investigations. (Thank you Wikipedia)…

Why am I so interested in the term “Due Diligence” you ask?

Well I’ve kind of put myself into a contract in my life that can potentially ruin everything  I truly believe in because let’s face it, It’s totally not in my character to even think this way… I think…. :-/ BUT…  Something seems to be calling me to this lately. A few people know what I’m talking about, but most of you are clueless to this change. It’s sort of the “De-evolution Of H….” A step backwards for a man who not only thinks progressively, but at one point in time didn’t’ give a fuck about what you think at all…. Let’s call it a move towards what is unknown to me, but is working for me at the moment.

#CONFESSION: Clueless is one of my favorite movies ever.

So what’s the deal?

I am attempting to get  more in touch with “GOD.” Yeah, I always believed in “GOD,” but not in the religious sense, but more in the sense of someone who put us all here on a path to where he/she (“GOD”) wants us to end up. And I can’t front I’ve been blessed with opportunity after opportunity to do something more with this life of mine and I’m always kind set off my path by distractions. Distractions…

Yeah what I call “distractions,” some of you call “Sins.” I call them distractions because they’re things that lead me off my path and hinder productivity, growth & manifestation of the destiny that is in front of me. I always believed as humans we were put here to expand and grow, not to follow and die… That’s why I could never grasp certain concepts that people live by…. Things like religion, substance abuse, relationships, etc… I dabbled in all of them, but couldn’t commit myself to any given concept because none ever made real sense in my “BIG PICTURE.”

#CONFESSION: I don’t believe in Hell, but I’ve been there…

But as I’ve “Devolved” and thought about some conceptions like “relationships” and “religion” in particular, they started to make more sense to me and I can honestly say that they’re not such a bad thing… See, I’ve always considered myself to be sort of a cold hearted person. I see people as expendable assets in life. Friends come and go, you talk to family… Well you talk to family whenever it’s that time to get together and after one particularly horrible experience in long term relationships with a women… I kind of gave up on wanting that type of commitment for awhile….

It wasn’t until recently when I started to see “relationships” as more of an “understanding” rather than a game of “like & love.” For instance; I like and love a particular type of woman, but I’d only love a woman who understands and accepts me. I like and love friends who like to have fun and do the same things I do, but I love my friends who have been loyal, upfront, caring and of course understanding. It’s easy to have a circle of friends who smile in your face, but only seem to care when you’re giving 100% of you at your best all the time.  “Fair Weather Friends” is what I call these people. My friends… They’ve always been there no matter what. That small circle of people I count on has never let me down. So I’ll always have their back, no matter what and I know they’ll have mine.

As far as relationships with women…  I’ll only respect a woman in my life who has the heart to respect me for who I am and not only what I do and/or what I believe in. I’ve learned through years of playing games with women that they will believe anything when they’re into you. Doesn’t matter what you tell them. I’ve gotten so sick of playing that game that I’ve honestly started to not give a fuck about what women think of me, but more or less want to know… ===> Do they like what I’m thinking or even care to understand??? and vice-versa. If we can’t connect mentally there’s no chemistry to me….

#CONFESSION: I’m more scared of death coming to those I care about more than it coming to me…

So what do relationships have to do with this notion of “due diligence?”

Well… like I said, I’ve been trying to develop a better relationship with God and I need to do my research before I commit to anything. So I need examples… Friends, Family, Women… All relationships I want to to mirror that of one I’d have with God that works, but where do I begin though…

Throughout my life I’ve never been inclined to ask God for any earthly thing or even ask him for forgiveness for my “distractions.” Why?

Because God’s role in my life has always been as the saving grace… The one who catches me as soon as I start to fall. The protective bubble around me that shields me from harm. It’s been an interesting/fulfilling relationship indeed, but a turbulent one just the same. But over the past 3-4 months I’ve had some eye opening and a truly enlightening experiences that kind of make me want to get more familiar with the Creator. I’ve also learned that modern religion is even more bullshit than I thought it was. I’ve learned that faith makes us believe in fairy tales. I’ve learned to truly believe in something is more of a life long commitment and not just saying you believe in a set of rules and regulations that might get you somewhere WHEN YOU DIE.

But really though… Why are we so concerned about dying when there’s so much to live for?

I don’t know…  And I also don’t know why I even have these questions in my head right now… I’ve pondered over the fact that to change my train of thinking is not an easy task, but when someone does it fucks with my mind to the point where I’ll let these questions consume me till I come to a definitive answer and that’s where I sit now… Pondering… Investigating something that will potentially throw me off my path or set me back on it.

So with a lot of thought and DUE DILIGENCE I have to say I do want a better relationship with God and I’m going to start by learning his word and possibly praying from time to time…

It scares the shit out of me to even think that I’d actually be one of “those people,” but I guess I am… After-all I did go to Catholic School 🙂 and at the end of the day God put us here and he’s here to listen… And that’s all I need him for is ===> JUST TO LISTEN.

….I’m not going to be any different or “change.” I’m still going to be boarder-line misogynistic, I’m still going to talk my shit, I’m still going to be the best family & friend I can be to those I love and I’m still going to believe that life is to be lived to the fullest. So pop a bottle or pop a pill, whatever works for you… Whatever makes you happy…  Just know that the consequences are on the individual and that God can only listen to you, not guide you to your answers… We’re all set to go on a particular path and to those of us that are blessed enough there’s no changing the direction we’re headed in. The only bumps in the road come from the decisions we make that put things out of line, but that’s life…

“I’d take some things back if I could…. but I can’t cuz it’s life!” -Nickelus F

#CONFESSION: I still believe LOVE conquers all…. Though I haven’t had much luck in Love & War…

Feels good to get that off my chest and now I leave it open to interpretation on my readers… What do you think? Am I moving away from my destiny or am I setting myself on the right path?

I honestly can’t say for myself… All I know is that I feel enlightened and fulfilled recently and what I’ve learned has made me think twice before acting and I feel like I’ve gained a wealth of knowledge that has made me feel better overall. As time goes on I might feel something else, but we’ll see…  🙂

#CONFESSION: I #Care

XXXO,

– H Diddy Blogger…

…:::MOOD MUSIC:::…

“Being my bloodline is one with the divine. In time brother, you will discover the light. Some say that God is Black and the Devil’s White… Well, the Devil is wrong and God is what’s right. I fight, with myself in the ring of doubt & fear. The rain ain’t gone, but I can still see clear… As a child, given religion with no answer to why. Just told believe in Jesus cause for me he did die. Curiosity killed the catechism. Understanding & wisdom became the rhythm that I played to and became a slave to master self. A rich man is one with knowledge, happiness & his health. My mind had dealt with the books of Zen, Tao the lessons, Koran and the Bible, to me they all vital and got truth within them, gotta read them boys. You just can’t skim them, different branches of belief, but one root that stem them, but people of the venom try to trim them and use religion as an emblem. When it should be a natural way of life… Who am I or they to say to whom you pray ain’t right? That’s who got you doing right & got you this far… Whether you say “in Jesus name” or Hum do Allah. As long as you know it’s a bein’ that’s supreme to you, you let that show towards others in the things you do… “ – Common

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This… > Than your life…

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Love Songs…

So I’m on this “LOVE” trip lately, which doesn’t mean that I’m “in love” per-say, but like I said in  the last post (Power Of Love…) I want that feeling because there’s not much to left out there to really live for besides ‘love.’

What I am in love with though is this singer’s voice and album… Anjulie. Here’s her latest single and video  “Love Songs“…

She just happens to be my favorite singer at the moment and her album is on repeat all day! Take this one in because it’s classic music people!

Thank Me Later… H

“I fall so easy for the stupid little lines/ Hollywood and sunny skies/ Fancy restaurants with three forks and knives/ I fall so easily in love…”

D/L: ===> Anjulie – Love Songs

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“When the power of love overcomes the love for power, the world will know peace…”Sri Chinmoy Ghose

I’m a strong believer in the power of love… Love is what drives the weak to step up. Love is what makes us act passionately. Love is what makes us happy, sad and feel high all at the same time. Loves is what leads our emotions and our hearts forward. Love was the downfall of many great men/women (So I’ve heard…). I heard that Love conquers all…

But why hasn’t ‘Love’ conquered all???

See what’s fucked up about our world today is that no one is really motivated by ‘Love’… It’s not necessarily about ‘Power’ either. It’s more about the need to just ‘get by’ doing whatever it is we do to get by and dying knowing we did something. When in reality we didn’t do shit, but be part of a machine that subsequently helped shorten our existence.

I basically want to die knowing I LOVED someone and I’ll gladly exit this show with no curtain call. I just want to have that feeling… The feeling my parents still have to this day. The feeling I see when a mother and father look into a new born baby’s eyes… The feeling of comfort and security in the arms of someone who loves me and I love them. That’s all…

The rest of this shit… Yeah I’m good at it, but it’s not going to complete me (Real Talk).

So I guess Ghose is right, ‘Love’ needs to overcome ‘Power’ before people can honestly see what it means and how it can really change the way we look at the world… I just hope that day comes in my lifetime.

-H

Footnote: Sri Chinmoy Ghose is a native of Indian, but spent his final days New York City and resided in QUEENS 🙂 my hometown. <=== How Real Is That

…:::MOOD MUSIC:::…

“Love… So many people use your name in vain/ Love… But,those who have faith in you sometimes go astray… Love… Through all the ups and downs the joys and hurts… Love… For better or worse I still will choose you first…”Musiq Soul Child

D/L: ===> Musiq Soul Child – Love

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ryan-leslie-2These are the types of records I like from this nigga… “All My Love” is like one of those songs that I can feel cause that’s the way I am… Like fuck it “set your pride aside and let me show you how much I want you..”

But like all fools who wear their heart on their sleeve… We get the short end of the stick in relationships. Whether it be lovers or friends… I really can’t say it’s fucked up or wrong because sometimes that’s just the way it is, but it does kinda fuck you up if you think about it. I give you “All Of My Love” and then what does that leave me with when you decide you’ve had enough and want to go? “Nothing…

On the brighter side of things I’m always gonna be good cause surprise I don’t need to bounce back or say I’ll keep it moving cause LOVE is LOVE and if it really meant “Nothing at all…” Why would you be reading this? 😉 and LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL to an enlightened heart/mind…

BOOOM ===> I’m so motherfucking wavy right now… Creativity on high… I think I’m ready to let go of that “Love” blog I’ve been holding in the stash… Give me some time people it’s gonna be some real talk.

H Diddy Blogger… Out

“I know it’s hard to trust me… Why should you??? Especially after what you’ve been through…”

D/L:===> Ryan Leslie – All My Love

D/L: ===> Ryan Leslie – Nothing

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So I’m gonna be 29 this year and sit back and wonder what my life’s been like since I’ve “grown up” and I think “daam… It hasn’t been much of a ride lately.”

I can’t complain about much though. I have been and always will be straight, but really there hasn’t been much “action” lately.

Bringing it way back… I surely can’t complain about my upbringing either, I wasn’t too awkward as a teen and I was always in a position to do something good with myself, but why do I feel like I’m stuck in a rut now?

There’s no real answer to it, but really a need for a call for change… A picking up of the pace of LIFE… A transition from “fitting in to standing out.” God only knows what the pace of my life will be like with some form of change, but I’m more open than ever to it because of key people in my life that seem to demand it from me now.

One being my ===> SISTER… She always wonders why I don’t do more besides write and chill all the time. Questions the fact I’m doing me more than some other things and it’s cool, but I just tell her “there will be time for that when I retire.” Which I hope is soon… 32 year old retirement party anyone?

DSC03262

Two: ===>  my MUSE… The sometimes standoffish, but only breath of fresh air in my LIFE… They one person who makes me feel like there’s more to this LIFE than just “the LIFE.” She’ll be the first to egg me on to do more traveling or see more thing and explore and open my mind up to more than just my little world. She thinks I live in my “blog world” more than the real world sometimes… She has a point, but again I’m content till I find it in me to do more than just me right now…

K

Three: ===>  my FRIENDS… I love em like family and for some reason, the ones that have stuck around, know me for a lot more than the brash, foolish, racist, and most of all cruel person I come off to be sometimes. They bring out the worst and the best in me, but most of all actually care… I’ve never been in a real position of severe need in my life, but I know that if I fall they’ll be there to catch me, just like my fam would. They pose to me the challenge of living it up. From Shaun getting me twisted at the club off 4 bottle of  Champagne to Shkeema, Who-Lee Hoop and Aby showing me that girls can get it in just like us guy sometimes… Then there’s Ali… Well we keep it real… We spend a lot of money competing on who can get the best toys. 2009 I went economy class though so you win. 2010? Bentley GT > 3 Series BMW? I think so… And no one does it bigger than Kofi, No one is as fly as Ace, No one more expensive than Nammi, Kenny’s my white brother & Lois Lame is my white girl, Anoop & Nu are my brown brothers… Alex is everything I used to be, but more ambitious and hungry… I can only lead this dude by example and hope he doesn’t make the same errors I did before I really learned the music game… So yeah… ===> YOU’RE ALL MY NIGGAS! And I ride with you!

friend_collage

Four my ===> PARENTS… The sweetest people I know and as the shift in power has moved over to my sister and I, they take the brunt of the abuse now because we carry them like they’re our children. It’s kinda weird, but it’s the natural order of things I guess. They urge me to move on and up with myself. Settle down… Start a family… Start to see LIFE for the way they did before society went to HELL… I FUCKING FEEL YA… But as much as I want it, I want it to be with the right person and it will come to me, if it already hasn’t. 😉

parents

Five ===> NICK! (NICKELUS F)… Optimistic… Insightful… Smart… Homie’s smart and is a sponge even though he chief’s daily. A genius to me in so many lights and has only give me one bit of advice in my whole LIFE that kinda made me not do one of the stupidest things I could have even done with myself over a year ago. This nigga hasn’t seen half the shit I’ve seen, but will soon enough see it all. He’s been blessed with a new family, a new home and he’s blessed me to see that we’re not all alike or have the same aspirations, but at the end of the day… LOVE is LOVE and if they don’t “LOVE” you it ain’t poppin’. Words that I carry with me when I think about relationships, friendships and family… Now it’s all UNCONDITIONAL LOVE with me and if you don’t LOVE ME… THEN LEAVE ME ALONE. 😉

nickelus_f_heathen_sampler_graphic

So this LIFE… HA! It’s mine and I got to figure out what to do with it. I’m so in tune with the pace of sound (MUSIC) and other people that I sometimes forget that there’s so much more I can be doing rather than keeping up with shit. It’s perplexing in a way… I do me… I mind them… I forget I’m suppose to be doing me… I do me more and it gets out of hand…

It’s a struggle for sure and I’m no where near coping with it anytime soon. I look at the way some people have to “LIVE” and think to myself, “thank goodness I was raised the way I was.”

Than in extreme cases I think, “maybe that way would be better.”

Then I go, “NAAAAHHHH… I’m straight…”

BLOODY HELL! LIFE! I wasted so much of it… From college to 3 years of wandering through LIFE wondering if I can fit into a world that I was never meant to be in. LIFE is a trip I’ve always seen myself coast through till real decisions needed to be made and like my heart rate when I run, the pace speeds up till I run out of steam… And what do you do when you run out of steam?

You keep going… You make shit work for you the best way you can. You pick up the pace even more… You relax, relate, release and expand your mind to make it all clear.

YOU LIVE THE “FAST LIFE”

Why not? It’s about time I saw what people have been talking about for so long and just live it up. I’m not talking about drugs, sex and rock & roll… I’m talking about LIVE, LAUGH & LOVE… Be more in tune with HAPPINESS rather than SHIT.

See I tend to pick apart, rationalize and most of all patronize… I’ve never claimed to be the smartest person I know, but I’m the most logical. Things I do sometimes don’t make sense, but to me they make complete sense because at the end of the day it’s what works best for me. People can’t handle my type of thinking sometimes because it’s so outside the box that it’s on another planet. Give me ground to make the claim that I can do shit like be PRESIDENT one day or be more than just what I am and I believe I can do it. SUCCESS IS NOT AN OPTION… IT’S MY BURDEN… I’VE BEEN CALLED FORTH!

Your_Unforgettable_LifeSee the shining example of my being is that I’m “UNFORGETTABLE” I may not impact everyone’s LIFE, but I’ll make an impression and for me to pace it out with a new way of living can be revolutionary… MONUMENTOUS.

So lets say that My SISTER, the MUSE, My FRIENDS, My PARENTS and NICK are right and I “reform” myself and adapt to not just doing me, but to do more… Where do you think that will take me in life?

Fucking great question…  I have no clue right now, but I’m working on an answer. Shit a lot of you who read my shit already know where I’m at and what I’m capable of, but why don’t I do it?

Because I haven’t learned what it means to live yet. Can’t have it all unless you know how to use it… I’m on a mission to do my motherfuckin’ best to use my life to the fullest… If you with me let’s ride cause it’s gonna be a fast ride to the top.

So goals for the 3rd & 4th quarter of 2009… Pick up the pace… Live Fast…

– H Diddy Blogger… Out

…:::MOOD MUSIC:::…

“Look I work hard, but I’m underpaid/ And I never ran away, but I’m like a runaway/ Veeeerrmmm Roooooom! Speedin’ on the highway…”Nickelus F

D/L: ===> Nickelus F – Outta Here

“Livin the fast LIFE, in fast cars/ Everywhere we go, people know who we are/ A team from out of Queens with the American dream/ So we’re plottin up a scheme to get the seven figure cream…” -Kool G. Rap & Nas

D/L: ===> Kool G Rap ft. Nas – Fast LIFE

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