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Posts Tagged ‘MUSE’

Disclaimer: I’m writing specifically for someone who I kinda feel is like a big deal. This one isn’t to really entertain or teach or preach or to spill my guts about an issue or to poke fun at something… It’s just some real heartfelt words for someone who means a lot to me and who has inspired me to do better. So you may not get what I’m talking about if you choose to read on, but enjoy it and maybe you all can pick something from it that you can possibly relate to.

summer&winterAs summer starts to heat up so does our spirits and minds. We start to think about being active rather than reactive like we are in the winter. You know what I’m saying?

In the summer we’re out and about with things to do (ACTIVE)… While in the winter we’re shut in looking for something to do that will hold our attention and captivate us long enough to make it to the sunny days that come with the changing of a season (REACTIVE).

People that come into our lives are like that sometimes too… And I think my Muse is no different… See people take the chance to let people into their worlds they feel they can trust or look to for support, guidance or just a kind word now & then and that’s what happened with us. We came into each others lives with that in mind, but somewhere the lines got blurred because we never really knew each other well enough to let each other  in as much as we did and to be honest it kinda fucked things up.

dream_catcherI don’t regret anything I’ve said or done because to be real the only reason my Muse doesn’t have  a place for me in her life now is because I’ll be the first person to tell her that she doesn’t have to do what she’s doing and to keep believing she can go through and accomplish her dreams…

Yeah… I’m a big believer in going after your dreams and what you believe in, which is the hype that kinda captivated me into digging this girl so much in the first place cause she was all bout it bout it when we first started talking, but I guess the pressures of the life around her set the stage for what eventually happened to our friendship…

Text_MessagingBut then again, I can’t front; we clashed on so much because of the way we communicated. Drumming up an issue to a person like me through an IM, a text or an email is like wanting a war of words you can’t win because I just don’t give into a jab and now realizing where this has went, maybe she wasn’t that serious in her “talk” as i figured and a lot of the jabs from my end were superficial… Or like she says, ” I misconstrued” what she was trying to say… All I can say to that is, how can I misconstrue something when it’s so clearly stated in bold letters?

Think about it…

Well too little, too late for me… I’ve been cast off by my Muse… She told me that I’m too “negative” and I cramp her style now…  Which naturally blew me away and hurt since I can think back and recall her saying I was blip of positive light in her life at some point, but that was before “reality set in” I guess and we all know what  reality is when you let it “set in?”

It’s when we become content with what we have to deal with because of  life changing circumstances… It’s not necessarily what you want or what will make you ultimately happy, but when you have the “grin and bear it” philosophy in your head you’re gonna have to “roll with the punches” and get continually beaten down by those punches in the process… You can either fight it or smile and take it and try to live with the decision you’ve made to SETTLE for what you think is the only thing left for you.

I guess to smile and take it takes STRENGTH to do and is commendable and is something I respect. After all LIFE is what we make of it at the end of the day? But don’t take the piss out on me because I still believe in all the aspirations and dreams you had or rather “have.” I just tried to keep my mouth shut before because you react rather than relate and try to understand…

I mean you tell me one day that the sky’s the limit then a couple of months down the line it’s content with… A new path… New people… A new outlook that kinda left people like myself out to dry and I thought  that would never happen because of our connection. But I guess a strong bond mentally is only as strong as it’s weakest link and when you’re not vibing with me, the small things we have in common, like music, or favorite color (Green), Nina Sky…  and dreams, seem to not mean as much when you decided to replace them with a whole new mentality.

museAll I can say is a sincere FUCK YOU! for your reaction and not take it back… I may have lost my Muse in the physical, but she’ll always inspire me to be positive and do right. I can say maybe, just maybe she’s given up on a not so clear dream she once had, but I’ll let her know this now… That dream is still in me and I’ll make sure it will come true whether you decide to accept it or not.

As retarded as this whole thing may seem, it’s how I feel… You wonder why I’m so open and engaging with people… It’s because when I bottled in my feelings I was a shell of the person who captivated you 7 months ago… And what’s sad is, you’ve kinda went backwards on me and slowly, but surely shut me out…

The void you’ve left for me creatively is going to be hard to fill because no one ever has inspire me like you have. You pretty much built this “blog”  because of the things we’ve talked about or experienced has been in every bit of writing I’ve had since I met you. You’re truly MY MUSE and I’ll never forget what that means to me going forward.

I can say fuck it all and not keep a place for you in my heart, but I won’t because like I expressed a long time ago… My friends are like family to me and no matter how negative you think I am or how much you feel I’ve tried to pick at you or argue with you, it was all meant with good intention and I think you know that because if you think back on every fight. You only “won” because I gave in, but I’m not gonna ever let someone write me off for something I’m not and that’s how we ended up here…

You choose to take it for what you want it to be in your head, but one day I hope you realize that this dream we shared is easy enough to achieve if you have the heart to do it again. I’m in and will always be, I’m building and growing and expanding. I wrote that Dear Summer blog with you in mind because I saw this coming awhile ago…

Now it is what it is and this is not closure, but a break from a friendship that had too much going on in it so soon, with too much distance to actually piece things back together before it was too late so we had to peace it out…

H Diddy Blogger… Out

…:::MOOD MUSIC:::…

D/L: ===> Joe Budden – Whatever It Takes

This sets the mood cause I don’t like Joe Budden, but this song kinda always made me feel like there is a way when you see how fucked up it really can be… He puts it down clearly, openly, honestly and most of all is real with his words. This song is what makes me not want to be what my Muse thinks I am. This song is what makes me want to put it on paper and say fuck it. The best artists are the ones who draw from personal experiences with honesty and articulate it to through their art. You’re favorite artist does that (Ryan Leslie) and I can tell that he’s speaking directly too you sometimes and he does the same to me since I got put on I’ve been open…

“Fuck the World, fuck my moms and my girl!/ Well, maybe not mom, jus’ lemme’ remain calm./ This too won’t last, this too shall pass/ At least that’s what I say y’all, that’s what I pray for/ ‘An’ I’m the only thing that’s standin’ in my way y’all/ But I gotta be with me, it’s no escape y’all…/ I guess depression REALITY just stepped in, an’ took-over shit like it’s known ta’ do…” -Joe Budden

…:::MOOD MUSIC DAILY DOUBLE:::…

D/L: ===> Ryan Leslie – I-R-I-N-A

“Sometimes words they just get in the away-Ryan Leslie

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So I’m gonna be 29 this year and sit back and wonder what my life’s been like since I’ve “grown up” and I think “daam… It hasn’t been much of a ride lately.”

I can’t complain about much though. I have been and always will be straight, but really there hasn’t been much “action” lately.

Bringing it way back… I surely can’t complain about my upbringing either, I wasn’t too awkward as a teen and I was always in a position to do something good with myself, but why do I feel like I’m stuck in a rut now?

There’s no real answer to it, but really a need for a call for change… A picking up of the pace of LIFE… A transition from “fitting in to standing out.” God only knows what the pace of my life will be like with some form of change, but I’m more open than ever to it because of key people in my life that seem to demand it from me now.

One being my ===> SISTER… She always wonders why I don’t do more besides write and chill all the time. Questions the fact I’m doing me more than some other things and it’s cool, but I just tell her “there will be time for that when I retire.” Which I hope is soon… 32 year old retirement party anyone?

DSC03262

Two: ===>  my MUSE… The sometimes standoffish, but only breath of fresh air in my LIFE… They one person who makes me feel like there’s more to this LIFE than just “the LIFE.” She’ll be the first to egg me on to do more traveling or see more thing and explore and open my mind up to more than just my little world. She thinks I live in my “blog world” more than the real world sometimes… She has a point, but again I’m content till I find it in me to do more than just me right now…

K

Three: ===>  my FRIENDS… I love em like family and for some reason, the ones that have stuck around, know me for a lot more than the brash, foolish, racist, and most of all cruel person I come off to be sometimes. They bring out the worst and the best in me, but most of all actually care… I’ve never been in a real position of severe need in my life, but I know that if I fall they’ll be there to catch me, just like my fam would. They pose to me the challenge of living it up. From Shaun getting me twisted at the club off 4 bottle of  Champagne to Shkeema, Who-Lee Hoop and Aby showing me that girls can get it in just like us guy sometimes… Then there’s Ali… Well we keep it real… We spend a lot of money competing on who can get the best toys. 2009 I went economy class though so you win. 2010? Bentley GT > 3 Series BMW? I think so… And no one does it bigger than Kofi, No one is as fly as Ace, No one more expensive than Nammi, Kenny’s my white brother & Lois Lame is my white girl, Anoop & Nu are my brown brothers… Alex is everything I used to be, but more ambitious and hungry… I can only lead this dude by example and hope he doesn’t make the same errors I did before I really learned the music game… So yeah… ===> YOU’RE ALL MY NIGGAS! And I ride with you!

friend_collage

Four my ===> PARENTS… The sweetest people I know and as the shift in power has moved over to my sister and I, they take the brunt of the abuse now because we carry them like they’re our children. It’s kinda weird, but it’s the natural order of things I guess. They urge me to move on and up with myself. Settle down… Start a family… Start to see LIFE for the way they did before society went to HELL… I FUCKING FEEL YA… But as much as I want it, I want it to be with the right person and it will come to me, if it already hasn’t. 😉

parents

Five ===> NICK! (NICKELUS F)… Optimistic… Insightful… Smart… Homie’s smart and is a sponge even though he chief’s daily. A genius to me in so many lights and has only give me one bit of advice in my whole LIFE that kinda made me not do one of the stupidest things I could have even done with myself over a year ago. This nigga hasn’t seen half the shit I’ve seen, but will soon enough see it all. He’s been blessed with a new family, a new home and he’s blessed me to see that we’re not all alike or have the same aspirations, but at the end of the day… LOVE is LOVE and if they don’t “LOVE” you it ain’t poppin’. Words that I carry with me when I think about relationships, friendships and family… Now it’s all UNCONDITIONAL LOVE with me and if you don’t LOVE ME… THEN LEAVE ME ALONE. 😉

nickelus_f_heathen_sampler_graphic

So this LIFE… HA! It’s mine and I got to figure out what to do with it. I’m so in tune with the pace of sound (MUSIC) and other people that I sometimes forget that there’s so much more I can be doing rather than keeping up with shit. It’s perplexing in a way… I do me… I mind them… I forget I’m suppose to be doing me… I do me more and it gets out of hand…

It’s a struggle for sure and I’m no where near coping with it anytime soon. I look at the way some people have to “LIVE” and think to myself, “thank goodness I was raised the way I was.”

Than in extreme cases I think, “maybe that way would be better.”

Then I go, “NAAAAHHHH… I’m straight…”

BLOODY HELL! LIFE! I wasted so much of it… From college to 3 years of wandering through LIFE wondering if I can fit into a world that I was never meant to be in. LIFE is a trip I’ve always seen myself coast through till real decisions needed to be made and like my heart rate when I run, the pace speeds up till I run out of steam… And what do you do when you run out of steam?

You keep going… You make shit work for you the best way you can. You pick up the pace even more… You relax, relate, release and expand your mind to make it all clear.

YOU LIVE THE “FAST LIFE”

Why not? It’s about time I saw what people have been talking about for so long and just live it up. I’m not talking about drugs, sex and rock & roll… I’m talking about LIVE, LAUGH & LOVE… Be more in tune with HAPPINESS rather than SHIT.

See I tend to pick apart, rationalize and most of all patronize… I’ve never claimed to be the smartest person I know, but I’m the most logical. Things I do sometimes don’t make sense, but to me they make complete sense because at the end of the day it’s what works best for me. People can’t handle my type of thinking sometimes because it’s so outside the box that it’s on another planet. Give me ground to make the claim that I can do shit like be PRESIDENT one day or be more than just what I am and I believe I can do it. SUCCESS IS NOT AN OPTION… IT’S MY BURDEN… I’VE BEEN CALLED FORTH!

Your_Unforgettable_LifeSee the shining example of my being is that I’m “UNFORGETTABLE” I may not impact everyone’s LIFE, but I’ll make an impression and for me to pace it out with a new way of living can be revolutionary… MONUMENTOUS.

So lets say that My SISTER, the MUSE, My FRIENDS, My PARENTS and NICK are right and I “reform” myself and adapt to not just doing me, but to do more… Where do you think that will take me in life?

Fucking great question…  I have no clue right now, but I’m working on an answer. Shit a lot of you who read my shit already know where I’m at and what I’m capable of, but why don’t I do it?

Because I haven’t learned what it means to live yet. Can’t have it all unless you know how to use it… I’m on a mission to do my motherfuckin’ best to use my life to the fullest… If you with me let’s ride cause it’s gonna be a fast ride to the top.

So goals for the 3rd & 4th quarter of 2009… Pick up the pace… Live Fast…

– H Diddy Blogger… Out

…:::MOOD MUSIC:::…

“Look I work hard, but I’m underpaid/ And I never ran away, but I’m like a runaway/ Veeeerrmmm Roooooom! Speedin’ on the highway…”Nickelus F

D/L: ===> Nickelus F – Outta Here

“Livin the fast LIFE, in fast cars/ Everywhere we go, people know who we are/ A team from out of Queens with the American dream/ So we’re plottin up a scheme to get the seven figure cream…” -Kool G. Rap & Nas

D/L: ===> Kool G Rap ft. Nas – Fast LIFE

Vodpod videos no longer available.

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MY MUSE IS ON HIATUS TILL FALL 2009…. 😦

SO I’M KINDA NOT IN THE MOOD TO WRITE LATELY… I GOT A COUPLE OF JAWNS STASHED, BUT IT’S NOT THE SAME. 😦

I’MA DO FEW MORE VIDEOS WHEN I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY. MAYBE THIS WEEKEND…

OTHER THAN THAT. I REALLY DON’T HAVE MUCH ELSE TO SAY, BUT I’M TIRED…

It’s gonna be a real CRUEL SUMMER…

-H

…:::MOOD MUSIC:::…

D/L: ===> Bananarama – Cruel Summer

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