Posts Tagged ‘negative’

Disclaimer: I’m writing specifically for someone who I kinda feel is like a big deal. This one isn’t to really entertain or teach or preach or to spill my guts about an issue or to poke fun at something… It’s just some real heartfelt words for someone who means a lot to me and who has inspired me to do better. So you may not get what I’m talking about if you choose to read on, but enjoy it and maybe you all can pick something from it that you can possibly relate to.

summer&winterAs summer starts to heat up so does our spirits and minds. We start to think about being active rather than reactive like we are in the winter. You know what I’m saying?

In the summer we’re out and about with things to do (ACTIVE)… While in the winter we’re shut in looking for something to do that will hold our attention and captivate us long enough to make it to the sunny days that come with the changing of a season (REACTIVE).

People that come into our lives are like that sometimes too… And I think my Muse is no different… See people take the chance to let people into their worlds they feel they can trust or look to for support, guidance or just a kind word now & then and that’s what happened with us. We came into each others lives with that in mind, but somewhere the lines got blurred because we never really knew each other well enough to let each other  in as much as we did and to be honest it kinda fucked things up.

dream_catcherI don’t regret anything I’ve said or done because to be real the only reason my Muse doesn’t have  a place for me in her life now is because I’ll be the first person to tell her that she doesn’t have to do what she’s doing and to keep believing she can go through and accomplish her dreams…

Yeah… I’m a big believer in going after your dreams and what you believe in, which is the hype that kinda captivated me into digging this girl so much in the first place cause she was all bout it bout it when we first started talking, but I guess the pressures of the life around her set the stage for what eventually happened to our friendship…

Text_MessagingBut then again, I can’t front; we clashed on so much because of the way we communicated. Drumming up an issue to a person like me through an IM, a text or an email is like wanting a war of words you can’t win because I just don’t give into a jab and now realizing where this has went, maybe she wasn’t that serious in her “talk” as i figured and a lot of the jabs from my end were superficial… Or like she says, ” I misconstrued” what she was trying to say… All I can say to that is, how can I misconstrue something when it’s so clearly stated in bold letters?

Think about it…

Well too little, too late for me… I’ve been cast off by my Muse… She told me that I’m too “negative” and I cramp her style now…  Which naturally blew me away and hurt since I can think back and recall her saying I was blip of positive light in her life at some point, but that was before “reality set in” I guess and we all know what  reality is when you let it “set in?”

It’s when we become content with what we have to deal with because of  life changing circumstances… It’s not necessarily what you want or what will make you ultimately happy, but when you have the “grin and bear it” philosophy in your head you’re gonna have to “roll with the punches” and get continually beaten down by those punches in the process… You can either fight it or smile and take it and try to live with the decision you’ve made to SETTLE for what you think is the only thing left for you.

I guess to smile and take it takes STRENGTH to do and is commendable and is something I respect. After all LIFE is what we make of it at the end of the day? But don’t take the piss out on me because I still believe in all the aspirations and dreams you had or rather “have.” I just tried to keep my mouth shut before because you react rather than relate and try to understand…

I mean you tell me one day that the sky’s the limit then a couple of months down the line it’s content with… A new path… New people… A new outlook that kinda left people like myself out to dry and I thought  that would never happen because of our connection. But I guess a strong bond mentally is only as strong as it’s weakest link and when you’re not vibing with me, the small things we have in common, like music, or favorite color (Green), Nina Sky…  and dreams, seem to not mean as much when you decided to replace them with a whole new mentality.

museAll I can say is a sincere FUCK YOU! for your reaction and not take it back… I may have lost my Muse in the physical, but she’ll always inspire me to be positive and do right. I can say maybe, just maybe she’s given up on a not so clear dream she once had, but I’ll let her know this now… That dream is still in me and I’ll make sure it will come true whether you decide to accept it or not.

As retarded as this whole thing may seem, it’s how I feel… You wonder why I’m so open and engaging with people… It’s because when I bottled in my feelings I was a shell of the person who captivated you 7 months ago… And what’s sad is, you’ve kinda went backwards on me and slowly, but surely shut me out…

The void you’ve left for me creatively is going to be hard to fill because no one ever has inspire me like you have. You pretty much built this “blog”  because of the things we’ve talked about or experienced has been in every bit of writing I’ve had since I met you. You’re truly MY MUSE and I’ll never forget what that means to me going forward.

I can say fuck it all and not keep a place for you in my heart, but I won’t because like I expressed a long time ago… My friends are like family to me and no matter how negative you think I am or how much you feel I’ve tried to pick at you or argue with you, it was all meant with good intention and I think you know that because if you think back on every fight. You only “won” because I gave in, but I’m not gonna ever let someone write me off for something I’m not and that’s how we ended up here…

You choose to take it for what you want it to be in your head, but one day I hope you realize that this dream we shared is easy enough to achieve if you have the heart to do it again. I’m in and will always be, I’m building and growing and expanding. I wrote that Dear Summer blog with you in mind because I saw this coming awhile ago…

Now it is what it is and this is not closure, but a break from a friendship that had too much going on in it so soon, with too much distance to actually piece things back together before it was too late so we had to peace it out…

H Diddy Blogger… Out

…:::MOOD MUSIC:::…

D/L: ===> Joe Budden – Whatever It Takes

This sets the mood cause I don’t like Joe Budden, but this song kinda always made me feel like there is a way when you see how fucked up it really can be… He puts it down clearly, openly, honestly and most of all is real with his words. This song is what makes me not want to be what my Muse thinks I am. This song is what makes me want to put it on paper and say fuck it. The best artists are the ones who draw from personal experiences with honesty and articulate it to through their art. You’re favorite artist does that (Ryan Leslie) and I can tell that he’s speaking directly too you sometimes and he does the same to me since I got put on I’ve been open…

“Fuck the World, fuck my moms and my girl!/ Well, maybe not mom, jus’ lemme’ remain calm./ This too won’t last, this too shall pass/ At least that’s what I say y’all, that’s what I pray for/ ‘An’ I’m the only thing that’s standin’ in my way y’all/ But I gotta be with me, it’s no escape y’all…/ I guess depression REALITY just stepped in, an’ took-over shit like it’s known ta’ do…” -Joe Budden


D/L: ===> Ryan Leslie – I-R-I-N-A

“Sometimes words they just get in the away-Ryan Leslie

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run_dmcRUN DMC was the first Hip Hop music I got a taste of back in 1986. I remember rockin’ out to this on Z100 when it used to play like a good mix of everything that was hot!

When I heard this it sent me swangin! I had to buy the album. (Refer to my 1st blog ever Where Is The LOVE? to get more insight on how I fell in LOVE with the music).

I copped their album Raising Hell and it made me look at things a whole lot differently and looking back I think it was a time in my life that I can remember vaguely, but cherish  because it kind of set me to go down a meaningful path with myself at a young age. I started to become interested in music, art and writing. I was only 5 or 6 at the time and that was MONUMENTIOUS!

So first off, I want to thank RUN-DMC for being the inspiration that’s made me want to do this FOREVER….

And when I think about home and where it all started Jamaica, Hollis, Queens Village and even the Southside… I smile and think to myself everything I LOVE came from Queens. Family, Life Long Friends, Places and Experiences…

From my first crush to my first kiss it was in Queens… Today, things from the motherland (Queens) seem to have come back into my life and blessed me again, but that’s another blog and another day.

I’m kind of tearing up here (tears of joy) cause to me everything that once meant so much to me is starting to comeback to light and I owe to… Well… They know who they are and I’m thankful for them bringing back that memory for me.

negativeI used to tend to dwell on the negatives of my past to keep me from making the same mistakes again, but that kinda brings you back to the negative because in every negative situation you can pick the positives out of it and find yourself going back to that shit like people who are addicted to drugs… OR… PERFECT EXAMPLE a bad relationship (“Break Ups, To Make Up”) you go back to what you feel comfortable doing, but if shit ain’t gonna change where’s it going?

I went though it for a good part of 2 years and apparently a couple of my close friends are now too (thank goodness I ain’t trapped up anymore, but I’ll hold y’all down when the shit hits the fan again).

AS I see it the line between “what’s good for us” and “what’s been good to us” is thin and can blur our thinking sometimes… It can be blurred up to the point where you want to say, fuck it I’m gonna go all in cause this is all I got going for me right now, but you know what?

When I think a thing like “HOME” (Queens) all I can remember is THE GOODNESS and that’s all I really want. Nothing else, but GOOD. So I’m going to carry that notion with me no matter where I end up geographically, relationship wise or in life in general. IF you strive for what is meaningful, right, and GOOD you’ll see the best outcomes down the line.

And even though life is moving at a moderate pace for me right now I’m not gonna slow walk it out, I’ma go HARD, so I can go HOME because no place has brought me the experiences and people that Queens has.

PAUSE===> Now this is no disrespect to everyone I’m close to now. I love y’all like fam, F, Kenny, Shaun, Ali, Julie, Aby, Shkeema, Teresa, Jared, Kofi (even though you are from BK), Alex (BK again..), KJ, BB, Nammi, Jeny, My French Tutor, C4, my wonderful work crew, of course Lois Lame and if I forgot you it’s early and I’m buggin’… SORRY DAWG (SIDE NOTE: Aby you’re right, I can’t see you saying “dawg” or “dogg” that’s so odd…). Y’all mean the world and drive me with every bit of insight my crazy ass has taken in and spilled over time.

It’s just the most SPECIAL of the SPECIAL seems to have come from this part of town and I think in retrospective it’s a sign… We’ll see…

SO let’s go back and focus on RUN-DMC being inducted to the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame. Below is video of the induction with Eminem, Rev Run, DMC & their families… R.I.P. Jam Master Jay…

This is milestone for Hip Hop and Queens. I come from the greatest Borough in NY (Sorry Brooklyn…) and when I finally come back home, I’m gonna smile and say, “we did it because this is the HEART of NY…”

H Diddy Blogger… Out

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

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